Put your hand down during lecture ffs…

I’m guilty of it, oh how i love to stick my 10 pence worth in during a seminar , i love giving my opinion! But isn’t it just the most annoying, infuriating, time wasting thing another student can do. Soon as the lecturer pauses for breath, hands are shooting up quicker then Usain Bolt. Question after question and all im thinking is “shut up you twat, i want a cuppa and a ciggi”. Im pretty sure people think the same about me, probably worse once i get going on an issue.

I never thought uni was for me, sure i had aspirations when i left school, but coming out of the careers advice office after being told it would be another 5 years of studying, i was like no thank you very much and at 16 i was outta there. Wanted to be in the big wide world earning money, going out, being an adult not stuck with my head in the books with no life – i left that to my sister. Growing up though working in care for 10 years made me realise i didn’t want to slog my guts out doing a bloody hard job for a measley wage for the rest of my life. (Salute to care workers, it takes a special person)

So i got my shit together, i went to college and applied for uni. God knows how i got in, but i did and thats my life now. Reading books, writing assignments at 2 am, moaning about lack of money. Who i am kidding the first 2 are lies, the third is pretty much true, i am skint – student loans are fucking horrendous!

There are things i hate about uni –

The cummute (it’s a 10 min drive) but in rush hour it can take up to half hour/hour sat in traffic on the dreaded flyover. I’m singing away to the same songs on my Adele cd, depressing myself and sobbing before I’ve even arrived. Then it’s time to find parking; use the pay machine that i always overshoot on and end up paying double what i should, knock back my scalding hot tea in my trusty travel mug and a ciggi or a few actually before the day even starts. Im already done with the day at this point. Game over. I have nothing left to give.

Lecture – finding a chair that i can actually see the screen from, because i am literally blind. And one that is not going to make my back ache for the entire day. This is no mean feat! I saw a meme the other day about the only thing uni has taught me is how to appear like you’ve mastered the stairs. Its true! By the second floor, i am desperatly trying to mask my flared nostrils and i do a little cough when my breath catches to disguise it. It wasnt working though because my friend noticed and so now we have taken to using the lift up AND DOWN! Fml.

The lectures are intense they go by so fast, your desperatly trying to make notes but the lecturer is swiping them so fast you’ve barely written a sentance from the 70 page power point. Then you realise you could have just stayed at home and scrolled through them at your leisure because every single thing the lecturer has said has been read off the screen – not one single original fucking thought has come out their mouth! But you don’t, you drag yourself in every week on the off chance they might say something of significance.

The coffee machines! I hate them but the queue for Costa and Starbucks is always to long to mess around waiting! So many things irritate me about these machines 1. They make a shit cup of tea 2. They never accept your card, so you have to furiously press buttons for 10 mins until you can actually see liquid pouring into the cup and 3. The worst of the worst for a tea drinker like myself – those shitty fucking sticks they supply for people to stir their coffee. Where’s the spoons for the tea drinkers to strain their teabags – dont worry guv ill just burn my fucking fingers off trying to do it!

Turnitin and referencing – The most evil thing about uni! I’m not really selling it am i for potential students, there are good points i promise (see below) Im in year 2 and i still cannot reference for the life of me, so i use a lifesaving tool called ref me which without, I’d have been out the door in the first month.

Why is it so friggin hard. I don’t like the harvard system et al (joke i found amusing, small minds and all that). And turnitin; where at 1 min to deadline you are desperately trying to upload to finally manage to do it, feel proud of yourself and then the next day you see your similaritys gone up to 50% fml #fail!

No seriously it’s not all bad at uni. Despite my moaning i actually quite love it. I’ve met some great friends who are funny and supportive and are in the same shitty boat so know what its like to panic over which ones a method and a theory. They’ll be friends i will keep long after uni amd i couldn’t do it without them along for the ride. Its also a great laugh, well it is with my friends! We laugh a lot mainly at the lecturers and at other peoples misfortunes (great social work material). I also know this is where i should be; however hard, however many times when i feel like i cant do it and im goin to give it up, i do know it is for me, that it’s worth the sacrifices and i can do it because i want it enough.

Well I’ve bored you enough now with uni life. Just wanted to share a little insight about student life for me.

Until next time

Dais x

Will you just pick a fucking lane!…

Excuse the swearing in this post it will be off the scale but i feel its neccessary haha

So I’ve just arrived home from the school run. I am filled with hate about the school run, i become almost murderous by the time i get home. It’s not just me, i’m pretty sure all parents hate the fucking school run.

It rains everytime you step out the door. Not just a little drizzle, no its fucking pouring to the point you have to question whether you’ve been caught in the eye of hurricane bloody katrina! You get soaked because let’s face it, your probably wearing some shit shoes like ugg boots because your only going up the school so it doesn’t matter. (If your anything like me your probably not even dressed yet and wearing your pyjamas underneath your coat aswell.) Your freezing cold and you’ve forgotton your umbrella so your desperately trying to share your kids shitty hello kitty umbrella which couldn’t even shelter a bloody hamster let alone a grown adult and a child.The actual journey. You realise half way up the road you’ve forgotton numerous things pe bag, water bottle, homework, letters, but you’d rather the teachers think your an awful mother then turn back and get caught in the morning traffic which will eat into your kid free time. Your kid is merrily sat in their seat, talking 10 to the dozen, maybe even singing if your as lucky as me… or asking you a 101 questions that every parent dreads “mum why do we exist?” “Mum where do babies come from?” Mum why havent you shaved your legs this week?” (I get that one often) . I’m sat there thinking why me, praying that i will be home soon, but through gritted teeth i smile and answer all her questions. Mainly because i know if i don’t then I’ll just get it 10 times worse later when schools out, and by 3.30 i havent the energy to deal with that shit.Motorists – The thing i hate most about the school run. Other knobhead drivers, which is actually what this post is about. It’s not just on the school run, it’s mostly everytime i get into my car. But the school run takes the biscuit, the level of stupid is off the scale. It’s like every bastard moron driver comes out to play at 8.30am to ruin my day!

I’ve been driving 11 years. I’m not the best driver if I’m honest, but when i’m in that seat, windows down cruising through North Baddesley i like to think I’m on a level with Lewis Hamilton. Nothing grinds my gears more then other drivers.

Take today – I’m sitting waiting at a junction, 3 cars behind the line, theres traffic blocked up onto the pull out lane and noone is giving an inch to let people out. The first moron of the day though thinks he’s an executive on the road and the rules don’t apply to him, so he pulls out smack bang in the middle of the oncoming traffic – chaos!

The second moron this morning created a whole queue of cars next to the school, which is a heavy traffic area anyway, because she couldn’t possibly pull in to the massive space. No her precious car (which was actually some shit volvo) had to be reversed in. It would have been fine had she been able to master reverse, but no it took several minutes of her goin back and forth to position her car just so. Meanwhile i am waiting at the junction with venom on my face, shaking my head and praying she looks at me so she knows on this fine tuesday she has pissed me off.

I am really bad when it comes to road rage, I’ve debated whether to get a dash cam to actually film the stupid on our roads, but i fear the footage would just be an hours montage of me swearing into air. That and the occasional sound of a strangled cat – (me singing).

Mini roundabouts – thats my worse time for the rage. When i learnt to drive, i was always told to give way to the right and I’m pretty sure that most other people would agree. Then why is there a majority of people who either didn’t get told this or who just have blatent disregard to the rules of the road and look to the left. Why! Even better then those people, are the ones that just pull out without looking in any direction! I find myself daily screaming in utter disbelief “what the fuck are you doing?!” As if they can actually hear me. They don’t – but it helps me to let it be known that they are complete idiots even if I’m only saying it to air.

Road rage is quite cathartic really. It’s a good stress reliever, just as long as it doesn’t boil over into you actually getting out of your car to people and squaring up to them. I’ve seen it happen, I’ve been close to it myself but if your getting to that point that your threatening to smash someones head in because they didn’t say thanks to you when you let them by. Then its time to reassess your driving.. and your life.

Some of my favourite road rage rants –

“Pick a fucking lane will you” – why do people do this, hover between lanes. Do they not see the white lines, do they enjoy winding people up, does it make them feel important to know thier upfront and noone can get by. My theory; there a moron!

“Do you want to get up my ass a little more buddy!” – i have done this myself. However people that are so far up your ass they can see the friggin engine really piss me off. Your not gunna get any further mate! Your not intimidating me, I’ll just go slower. I might even do a little break test…

“Where’s your fucking indicator, i’ll just guess where your going shall i pal” – I’m guilty of this too expecially as one of my indicators doesnt work at the moment, but when other people do it. I could kill! I don’t have a crystal ball, i can’t forsee that on wednesday 15th December 2017 I’ll be travelling behind you an you’ll be turning left at the traffic lights. It’s a shame i know but i don’t. Use your bloody blinkers there not for display…

Everytime i do a little road rage rant in my car i always add on the end some passive agressive form of endearment. Pal, buddy, love. It makes me feel connected to them on a personal level. Like I’m saying the most horrific mean things but I’m not that mean because i called them buddy.

I think I’ve ranted enough about drivers, I’ve worked myself up so much that I’ve contemplated putting a shot of vodka in my tea. I’ve exactly 5 hours and 12 minutes before i have to leave for school pick up and I’m already thinking about the twat bus drivers that will cut me up, the fact i won’t be able to find a parking space because someone will probably be taking up 3 bays with their shit parking and the ever so delightful tosser who won’t use his indicator (me) and I’m laughing in mock dread…

Final note – Dont be a moron behind the wheel – it pisses people off!!

Dais x

Cupid keeps getting it wrong…

So.. it been a while since i wrote but as todays valentines day im feeling a bit fragile and needed to get a few things out.

Who else hates february 14th. I’ve always disliked this day even when I’m in a relationship, mainly because it’s never lived up to it’s expectations and it’s also uneccessary expense!. Valentines day is just another day for single people to feel even more shitty about their already crap lives. Well that’s my experience anyway..

So I’ve woken up this morning and i do my usual scroll through facebook like its the daily news. Instead of my feed bringing me hilarious memes that i can tag my friends in, im faced with what can only be described as pure repulsive soppy riddled statuses and pictures of loved up couples. Hashtags of #BOYDONEGOOD and #Yourmyprincess4lifebae. By the 5th post i want gouge my eyes out!

I’m bitter lets be honest, i am alone all day on this day with nobody to write soppy things too and no gifts to recieve and yes im fucking bitter. It’s not that i would even enjoy it if i was in a relationship but it would be nice to join in an not feel like a complete failure in the love stakes on just this one day.

Even those little quizes on facebook that generate you a love interest based on your profile couldn’t pull something out the bag for me this morning, granted i didn’t hold out much hope but i didn’t expect to be greeted with a blank screen. Facebook seems to have well and truley got my number, they know im faced with a life as a sad lonley cat woman too. That said however, I’m happy for every one of you celebrating this day with your loved one, really i am .

How have i reached this point, 30 and still single?? Well like the title says cupid keeps fucking it up! Some woman get tom hardy types, some even luckier ones get jamie dornan types! Me, all i want is a little danny dyer type, i dont think its too much to ask really – sexy, brooding but funny with a mix of hard and soft. But nope this man has failed to grace my doorstep and its looking more likley that I’m going to have to buy one of those grow your own man kits!

Dating is not my forte, neither is flirting, actually men full stop aren’t. I’m so disatrious at relationships that I even own a little book called “why hasn’t he called?” Its like a self help guide that points out all the things your doing wrong and what to change to bag yourself a man. I bought it one day when i was feeling the pressure of being a singleton, but i have to say the only help its provided for me is an extensive knowledge of all the things i can’t change – like my whole personality! This book is hell bent on telling me that despite all the good things i think i have going for me i am wrong, because he just won’t be that into me unless i miraculously transform into some lara croft/jennifer aniston/beyonce type broad overnight. Im in with no chance!. The book has literally destroyed me and ruined my life in 245 little page’s. Ruined!

I’m not gunna get into the nitty gritty of my love life because quite frankly I’d be here all day and i think I’d need atleast 2 bottles of rum to get through it in all honesty. But i am here just having a little rant about this crappy day hoping to get through to the 15th february relativley unscaved and without having to re enact the scene from bridget jones- singing ‘all by myself’ and crying into a bottle of wine. I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I’m aware I’m now starting to sound like a bitter spinster so im gunna stop there but say who ever is celebrating today have a great day but please no more #tags and talks of bae buying you an island because he just loves you that much after 2 months. My eyes and ears can’t take the jealousy

Side note- if you do by chance love me, i enjoy prosecco, flowers and chocolate and im here all evening…

Much love

Dais x

I spent over £400 and all i got was a fridge magnet…

So i thought I’d tell you a bit about my hateful week in the hope that maybe someone might be able to outdo me in the luck stakes and make me feel better.

It’s wednesday and i’ve been to heathrow airport twice since last week and I’ve spent roughly over £400. “Been somewhere nice?” i hear you ask. Well i was waiting for the india flight, sounds like heaven right? But i was actually dropping off and picking up my sister who’s had the best time of her life travelling around delhi. I’d love to sit and tell you how i too went to india and had the time of my life or even somewhere equally as exotic where i relaxed without a care in the world. But No! Little old me didn’t get a nice little holiday with cocktails and sunbeds, instead i had a great view of the M25 and the front of the rac truck, not once but TWICE!

Let me say it again then it might actually sink in! I have spent over £400 travelling to the airport and back this week and my destination of choice was the hard shoulder of the bastard M25!! You couldn’t make this shit up. So today i am licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself!.

Here’s how it started… last monday i set off at 15:30 travelling up to the airport, sister in tow, to drop her off to a holiday of a lifetime. I spent a little time at the airport wishing her a great week. A hug goodbye and i set off back to the carpark with my ticket in hand. Insert ticket. 3 hours stay – please pay £13.70 to exit! £13.70!! I almost choked on my starbucks! I don’t even pay that for an overnight carpark in town! However, feeling robbed i paid and got to my car. Got to the barrier and it opened without me even inserting the paid ticket! So i came out of heathrow already raging and took the wrong exit. I ended up in staines, pitch black and with no satnav because my phone had died. i was panicked but i did manage to navigate my way onto the motorway. Feeling more comfortable i was cruising along, tunes blaring and tearing up the road thinking about the burger king i would enevitably get in the services on the way home. The burger king i had starved myself and waited all day for. Then suddenly i heard a bang and the windwiper cut out. I was travelling 70mph on the motorway in the pouring rain and it wasn’t just any rain, no as luck would have it the heavens opened that night for me. So shit scared panicked and with no hardshoulder to pull over onto because of the road works i had to lean over to the passenger side where the wiper was working and carry on driving erractically and cutting people up left right and centre until i could pull off at the next junction. Imagine the scene from ace venturer and you’ll see where i was at. If it hadn’t been for the thought of the burger king i would have seriously considered driving straight into the central reservation and be done with it.

So got to a safe spot and called rac knowing that i had cancelled my policy 2 months previously. £150 later i was a full paid up member again and awaiting the rac truck. 1 hour passed – still waiting. 2hours passed – still waiting. 3 hours alas i am saved! Nope unhelpful rac man couldn’t fix it and he could tell this just by lifting the bonnet and looking, not even touching one single thing on the car. Man got crazy skills! So freezing cold and dying to get home i enquire about a tow truck. “Yes madam he replies but it will be another hour”! By this point i am contemplating going to the nearest premier inn and leaving the car there for scrap. But i waited, the tow truck came and i had a lovley drive home chatting to the driver and arrived home at 2am. I didnt get my burger king! The following 2 days were spent with my car in the garage being fixed and yet another £100 odd quid.

The rest of the week went along quite blissfully. Then i thought I’d treat myself to a car wash on sunday. Pulled in waiting expectantly for it to begin and excited at the prospect of driving around in my shiney car. The car wash started and then i feel wet on my shoulder. No it wasn’t a figment of my imagination, actual water was pouring into my window. Once again panic ensued and im debating whether to just drive out mid car wash. Instead i held up my coat to catch the water and waited and waited and waited for it too finally finish. Maybe your thinking it just felt like a long time because i was panicked. That wasnt the case, it genuinley was atleast 7 mins long because flash bitch that i am, i bought a platinum wash! 7 minutes i waited for a thorough wash and double dry!

In the grand scheme of my week this little incident didn’t seem so bad so i left and made a note to check on the gap in the window soon.

And breathe! So tuesday arrived- valentines day and we all know how i felt about that. I set out at 15.30 again to collect my sis from heathrow. Again, a leisurley drive up and i get there, greet my sister and we set off back for the car. Ticket machine is up again and asks me to pay £7 for an hours parking. By this time i was used to the robbing bastard car park so i paid and left, got to the barrier and low and behold it opened again without me displaying my paid ticket. I literally could have screamed!

We set off and everythings going well, i had my trusty satnav so no getting lost for me and we talked about the holiday. Half an hour onto the M25 and the car cuts out in the middle lane. No lights, no pedals,no nothing. I put the hazards on and pull onto the tiny patch of hard shoulder. Car doesn’t want to start. So back on the phone to the rac. “Ok miss wells, where are you on the motorway” i have no idea where i am, there are no signs,its pitch black and theres millions of cars zooming past at 80mph + and you want one of us to go walking up the hard shoulder to find a sign for you to locate us. “Ok mary we’ve diced with death now thats done,how long will you be”

“40 mins miss wells but it could be sooner, can you stand out of your car and behind the barrier and wait” 2 hours and 30 mins stood in the freezing cold, jodie in her holiday clothes and me in tank top and mules the truck finally arrived. The rac man another one with bare skills looks up and says it seems to be running fine can you drive it down to the services though so i can just check, ill follow you. Cue us getting back into the car, by this time i’m in a state and take the wrong turning, the rac guy has lost me, we are in the wilderness with a dud car and i have no means to call him because they use a private number. We get to civilisation and i silently pray we can pull over safely we just need to get past this roundabout. As my luck would have it again, god had other ideas, i have now cut out on a 3 lane roundabout, smack bang in the middle. Do you feel sorry for me yet?

Cut all the other bullshit and we are finally going to be towed home! Horray! Then as if i wasn’t already suicidal the rac man tells me he will take my payment. What now! Payment! i have rac membership? Turns out my new membership doesn’t cover over 10 miles breakdown. “That will be £191 please miss wells”. Steam is coming out of my ears, my sister is on the verge of tears having been travelling for 19 hours at this point. I want to punch the guy in the fucking head. Instead in desperation i paid it and we were towed home. I arrived home at midnight pissed off, tired and skint.

I had once again starved myself with the expectation of getting a burger king again. That moment never arrived and the irony is i now can’t even afford a 99p meal let alone a double bacon cheese burger i had hopes for. Dreams were dashed yesterday and i don’t think I’ll ever recover.

Today has been spent arguing with rac on the phone for a refund, because my sister had full cover and they wouldn’t let us transfer it to her membership. I also called my garage and the car can’t be fixed until tuesday and will cost me a further £150.

So the upshot is i have no money, no car, and no burger king! I have spent hundreds of pounds on a simple airport run and when i got home i got a lovley magnet from india. But i really hope my sister had a great holiday

Please pray for me

Dais x

Having a past is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all…

This week I’ve been reading a lot in the news about new psychoactive substances and how they have gripped the homeless people of our country, turning them into zombies. When i read these articles or see the devastating scenes on the news, I’m often struck with fear and have tears streaming down my face. I imagine what these people are going through, whether there are families watching the same as i and breaking their hearts as they recognise the person on the tv. I also think about how addiction and homelessness has affected my own family. I lay awake most nights reading in sheer disbelief the comments posted on social media, of the absolute niaviety and ignorance from people of this country about this subject and it makes my heart hurt.

Drugs never appealed to me growing up. I come from a family where drugs and alcohol have destroyed people I’m close too. My parents always instilled in me and my sister from a young age that drugs were bad news and i got to see first hand the affects of what addiction can do to someone and their mind. This impacted on me greatly when growing up, i was surrounded by people that did it and encouraged me to try but i always said no, always wishing that they could see the other side to the storey. I never caved to peer pressure, i figured I’d rather take the jibes about being a wuss and un cool then end up with an addication i couldn’t control. I won’t lie though i once smoked some cannabis in my early twenties; trying to impress, alcohol and the allure of trying something thats deemed mild in comparison to other things put me in that position. It was a horrible experience, i hated every minute of it and if i wasn’t sure before then about drugs i certainly was after. I’ve been exposed to drug users and alcoholics my whole life, not just with family but through boyfriends, friends and at work, and even though it’s shown me things that have left lasting scars on my memory some good has come out of it. Because it has also educated and shown me what i don’t want for my own life.

I read a comment the other night about a herion user saying “lets hope he overdoses, he made his choice”. Wow! i couldn’t believe how someone could be so cold and matter of fact. That’s a member of someones family. That’s a person there talking about!

However, i do understand what he meant by people having choices, and before i never really understood why they made the wrong ones. Sometimes i still don’t understand the physical need to put substances in your body and put your loved ones through the pain of watching you fade away, but i can imagine the emotional needs. How people can get to such a low point, i can imagine the need to escape from life and i can imagine how easy it might be to think that that’s the answer. Those things, yeah i can understand that. We’ve all been in a position where life has got too much, where the darkness has shrouded us and we’ve reached for something to make us feel better. Those things might be the gym, a cigarette, a glass of wine, chocolate and we all stand on a knife edge with the potential to be addicted to something. If your not one of those people and your resolve is strong then your one of the lucky ones. Me, when I’m feeling like the world is against me i pull out all my resources, my family, my friends, work and they pull me back from the brink. Some people though are not so lucky as to have these things and its not for us to judge the path they’ve ended up on.

I could never tell you exactly what addiction does to a person or their family it’s something you would have to experience yourself to understand the sheer gravity of, and i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Those of you who have experienced it though know how soul destroying it is. To watch my mums heart break each time she thinks about how it has taken everything from her brother and left him a shadow of who he was is enough for me to just say no to drugs. To hear how my dad struggles with the concept of people poisoning their bodies with illicit drugs when he has to rely on prescription drugs just to keep him alive from illness is enough for me to just say no to drugs and to watch my own brother struggle through mental illness, drugs and homelessness is enough for me to just say no to drugs but i realise it could have easily been so different.

I can’t tell people how to live their lives and i can’t give people the strenght to just say no. What i can do though is explain to people that life isn’t black and white, it’s not as easy as saying people made their choice, it’s not as simple as presuming that all people who use drugs or drink alcohol are selfish or that homeless people made their own bed. Everyone you see who has an addiction has their own storey about how they got there, every person had a life before addiction and after addiction, every person has a family out there and every person is still a human being who deserves compassion and empathy for their situation. Addiction doesn’t define them it’s a part of them there are so many other things that make a person and we should all remember that it could be us or a loved one at any moment. Addiction isn’t biase it can come for anyone and it’s about time we start educating ourselves about it.

I’ll forever teach my own child about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and pray to god that she has enough knowledge and strenght to say no and stay in control of herself. I hope other people educate their babies to stay safe but to also have regard for the people that couldn’t say no and to show kindness and understanding to those people and their families and realise that it goes beyond the substance.

“When your unsure of what hell looks like, look in the eyes of an addict or their family. Don’t judge them, pray for them, because knowone is ever too lost to be saved…”

Dais x

Giraffe cam has taken over my life…

In the last few weeks I’ve learnt a few things about myself

1. I can survive on pretty much no sleep.

2. I enjoy spending weeks of my life staring at a giraffes fanny.

3. I am a qualified armchair vet.

When i am old and weary i will remember the weeks I’ve spent engrossed waiting for April the giraffe to give birth! Giraffe cam has taken over my life! I have invested so many nights now waiting for this miracal to happen when lets face it i could easily just google it and watch a birth via you tube in a matter of minutes, but like the other thousands of people watching the live cam i want to be apart of April’s journey.

I watch on the facebook live feed and night after night I’ve sat staring at her backside waiting to see some tiny hooves. When i see her backside swell, i sit there palms sweating, heart racing talking to the screen saying “it’s happening”. Anyone would think i was up for a nobel prize the way i carry on! Then my excitement turns to sheer dissapointment when it’s not the hooves emerging but her 20th shit of the day!

I really thought last night was the night. I was up until 2.45am watching her spread her legs and strain to find she’s just lulling me into a false sense of security. Is this an April fools joke? Will i be one of a thousand people tricked into watching a giraffe for several weeks just to entertain the masses. Please prove me wrong April and show me those hooves! I’m even talking to her now, and im not the only one, the live feed entertains me immensley. I’ve sat through weeks of grown ass woman and men talking to April like she’s a person. I’ve heard phrases  such as

“April, I’m back again, did you miss me?”

“Give April some space guys, she’s nervous about giving birth infront of all these people”

And my personal favourite…

“April, i know today is the day, it’s my daughters wedding day, and i know god is looking down on us and you’d wait to give birth on this day to make it extra special for me”

3 things to discuss here…

Are giraffes aware of cctv cameras watching them? Do they have feelings for people they’ve never been in contact with? and are they aware of special occassions?

No that’s what i thought. Yet there are thousands of people communicating with a giraffe all thinking they are someone special to her when lets be honest her thought process doesn’t go much beyond “when is feeding time?”

Now i know i said i have been talking to her aswell but mine has been gentle coaxing ‘come on April’ in the privacy of my own home. I mean, is it me? Do the crazies just come out when im tuned in? Or is this talking and idolising a giraffe a thing now? I despair!

Several things have happened due to the live giraffe cam on facebook. New facebook groups have popped up ‘friends of april’ and ‘friends of april recipes’ i kid you not theres nothing like discussing aunty marys famous bread and butter pudding whilst watching a giraffe spread her legs and take a shit. Nothing like it..

I feel a slither of sympathy for the few men that comment in complete dispair, they haven’t had a cooked meal for weeks and they’ve been wearing the same top for several days because their wives can’t tear themselves away from the screen for fear they will miss the birth. Heres a novel idea for you though chaps. Get up and do it yourself! I said a slither of sympathy!

I’ve learnt so much over the weeks, i know that sandy from texas likes mars bars and that shelley from liverpool does her washing on wednesdays. I know more about these people then my own family but most of all I’ve learnt that i could have been a vet. I’m now qualified in all things giraffe, i can tell you when April’s tail goes up she’s just having a shit, when she lifts up her left leg she’s just keeping balance and when she comes up to the camera sticking her tongue out she’s not asking for food she’s saying hello to us all… i know when shes ready to give birth, I’ve studied her, i can see the signs and i got this qualification just by staring at a screen for weeks, who knew being a vet was so easy!

There is one thing I’m excited for, the naming competition. I’ve thought long and hard about it, I’m coming up against stiff competition. Idea’s like ‘storm’ and ‘unity’ have been put forward but i think mine is logical and has a nice ring to it.


Not only is it a powerful name but its the name of the giraffe from the sponsers ‘toys r us’. It’s such an underated name and it has the added bonus of alliteration. #geoffrey get behind it people!

In all seriousness i love watching April and i think the animal park do a wonderful job. The group has me laughing well into the small hours and i suppose i will have to go back to watching normal tv soon but for now on this friday evening I’m going to enjoy watching a giraffes fanny waiting for the miracal of life…

Have a great weekend

Dais x

Reasons to date me – I’m too ugly to be stolen and sometimes I’m funny…

So I’ve been out of action for a little while on my blog as I’ve been working hard at my university placement. I haven’t had time for much else not least for relationships, so a few weeks ago I thought I would give plenty of fish (POF) another go. I’ve been on POF numerous times and each time I tell myself never again, it is the worst dating site in history! Never the less I found myself drawn back into scrolling through the Don Juan’s in my area, favouriting people and fielding messages like “ I like my woman like I like my chips”. Genuine message!!

So if there is one thing I’ve learnt from my numerous attempts at internet dating, it’s that men and woman are on different levels. Hell they might as well be on different planets. For men it’s much more a visual aid, they scroll through the pictures of the woman and if they like what they see they hit her up with a message. For woman it’s all about the profile and whether he can hold a conversation that goes beyond the mundane “Hey what you been up to?”

The guys that can hold a conversation are few and far between let me tell you. So I decided that to get any success I would have to put my best self forward on my profile. So I selected my best photos to display, you know the kind, the ones you have filtered to fuck on Instagram and I wrote a little about me. Just the basics because guys don’t read a thing on your profile anyway. I know this because they ask me questions that had they actually read my profile they would already know the answer to. Simple things like “what’s your name?” which usually secures much eye rolling from me.

Anyway day one and I get the usual message from Marcus the founder of POF about how the site is successful and he hopes I find my king. I’d like to inform Marcus that in all the goes I’ve given this the only guys I have had the pleasure to meet are the #kingofdickheads! There really should be a filtering option that ensures the bad fish don’t slip through the net. Alas there is not so my net is full of fish, crabs, whales, sharks – you name it I have the whole fucking ocean to wade through to find my Lobster! (Those who watch Friends will understand that reference).

Back to Day one and I have received around 10 messages and 50 or so would like to meet me. Some of the messages were pretty standard but I found myself bored out of my brain after the initial small talk. I got suckered in a few times that day by the charmers who had the gift of the gab, drew me in to a nice conversation where I began to think hmm this guy seems nice, then BAM half an hour in and I am receiving dick pics! Two things I’d like to add!

Please ask! If a woman does not ask for a dick pic and trust me she never will, do not send them! Why men think woman enjoy these little delights I will never know. If you think woman swoon over these pictures wondering what they are missing your WRONG! As soon as that hits my inbox I hit DELETE and BLOCK. I can guarantee at least 5 other woman have received the same picture and are all thinking, if he can show me that after 5 minutes of talking what is he doing with other girls. Relationship material he is not!Woman like mystery, if after 30 mins you are showing her what you have to offer, what is there for her to chase after? She already has you where she wants you. Woman get turned on by what they hear not by what they see and no that doesn’t mean she wants to dirty sext text you! Show her who you are, what makes you you. What do you have to offer aside from the D and when you do finally meet her it will be a welcome surprise!

So I continue the day receiving all sorts of weird and wonderful messages and finally find a guy that actually ticks most of the boxes. So I give him my number. BIG mistake! HUGE! I start to receive messages thick and fast asking me what I am doing, where am I etc. Well mate I’m doing the same thing I was 5 mins ago when you asked is my reply in my head but I politely answer in the only way I know how “I’m at home watching TV”!

The only message I was receiving here was not that he was keen but that he was desperate. I go out for a few hours and kept receiving numerous messages, I was reading them but didn’t have time to respond. I then get a succession of messages and phone calls along the lines of. “If you didn’t like me, why have you led me on?” “I can see your reading my messages, I guess you are with someone else” and my favourite – “I thought you were the one but if you can’t even bother to text me back then I guess I was wrong, don’t contact me again”. This last message was followed by a ten minute reprieve and then 10 missed calls and a voicemail saying he didn’t mean it and can I text him back when I get a chance. I can safely say that there was no chance left, that ship had well and truly sailed! There are no words that I could use to express how I felt about this scenario, I’m just glad I didn’t give him my address and the block facility on my phone works!

Still even though everything in me is screaming to run from this site and meet someone the natural way, I continue on for the next few days with my search. I learnt a few tips that helped me filter down the options, so if you like me are an online dater these are some things to watch out for.

If they don’t have a profile picture something’s up. I’m not saying everyone who doesn’t dare to put their picture online is weird or not who they say they are but in my experience if there is no picture there is usually a reason why. I’m not shallow so I will still talk to guys without pictures and I have met some really nice guys doing this. This is dangerous though because you build up a picture in your mind of who you think is messaging you (usually a Tom Hardy image) and then when you do finally see them it can either be a disappointment or a pleasant surprise. So heads up.If their profile says they are 6ft, athletic and a CIA agent. They are lying. I don’t need to elaborate just know they are lying!If they make excuses about why they can’t meet up. They have something to hide. Granted it could be nerves but if you are on a dating site chances are you are expecting to meet someone in person. If they can’t do this they either have a girlfriend/boyfriend or they are not who they say they are.

I guess the message is to just be careful, you don’t know what kind of crazy is out there waiting to pounce on your already vulnerable self!

I guess I should balance this out a bit because I know I am not selling online dating. It does work sometimes, I know a few couples who have met through this forum. Here’s my little success story so far…

After around a week of being on this site I had a message from this god damn gorgeous guy! He was amazing both in looks and personality. Within an hour I was hooked! I genuinely thought this guy was too good to be true. I wanted him to like me, I wanted to talk to him all the time and I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all. After a couple of weeks of talking non- stop I decided to bite the bullet and meet this guy! I was so nervous! We had talked on Skype and via telephone but I had a niggling feeling that he just wouldn’t like me in person. I kept thinking he is gunna rock up off the coach take one look at me and beg to be let back on it never to talk to me again! Man I’m insecure! I don’t know what he was thinking and at first it was all a little bit awkward but a few rums later and all my doubts melted away. Apart from placating friends and family by text that I was in fact fine and I hadn’t been murdered or kidnapped to join a satanic cult I had the best weekend with this guy. I am planning to see him again in a few weeks as he lives in London.

So for now POF is disabled, no more wading through that ocean for me right now and who knows I may have just found my Lobster!!

POF I don’t know whether to thank you for the ordeal I’ve been through the past few weeks or thank you for allowing me to meet a great guy.

For the people on POF if you sign up to it hoping not to meet a few crazies you’re going to have a hard time… Just be open minded and make sure your block button works!

Good Luck!!

I’m jealous of the people that get to see you everyday…

I told you I missed you earlier. I said you had no idea how much, and you told me to make you understand. I couldn’t. I’m not good with words, but as I sit here not being able to sleep it got me to thinking about why I did miss you. So here goes

I miss how I don’t smile when you are not around – Maybe that’s not strictly true, because I do still smile. But I’m talking about the kind of smile that reaches from ear to ear and makes me feel lucky to have someone in my life like you. Those smiles are lost when you are not here.

I miss how your hand fits mine – Your fingers interlocked with mine felt so right, so comfortable, like it should always be that way.

I miss how you look at me – Your deep brown eyes staring back at me. I could get lost just staring at you all day.

I miss how your skin looks next to mine and the goose bumps I get when you touch me.

I miss your arms being around me – how just your touch makes me feel safe.

I miss how you smell – I could breathe you in all day.

I miss how shy you become when I look at you.

I miss being able to hear your laugh when you find something funny.

I miss being able to show you off – for people to see us together and be oblivious to the looks we would get.

I miss your kiss, coz baby I could kiss you all day and never get bored.

I miss not being able to see your reaction when I say something to you that’s sweet.

I miss how I could sit with you in silence and not once did it ever feel awkward.

I miss your voice and how it gives me butterflies whenever I hear it.

I miss how I can talk to you for hours about everything and still want to know every little thing about you.

I miss how I can be myself around you, and you’ve never judged me or made me feel small, not once.

I miss your smile and the way your eyes dance with it.

I miss being able to wake up next to you and know that my day will be good because you are in it.

I miss being able to do normal things with you, listening to a song or watch a movie together.

I miss the way my mind is quiet when you are around, because when you are not its driven crazy by thoughts of you.

I miss ….. I won’t finish that sentence but you know what it is ha-ha.

It’s crazy right, I know it and you know it but I can’t help this feeling. Missing someone is torture, it’s not about how long it’s been since I last saw you or how long it’s been since we last talked. It’s about how I feel in the moments that you are not here, when I want you to be and how my heart beats a little bit faster when you are around. I want that feeling. I want it now and always.

So if you ever need reminding of why when I say I miss you. Here it is.


The real measure of your wealth, is how much you would be worth if you lost all your money…

I’m sat here again watching indecent proposal. What is it now, the 10th time, hmm maybe it’s more. It’s an old 90’s film but anyone who has ever watched this film will know why it’s one of my favourites and why I keep coming back to it, and those who haven’t go and watch it – immediately not least because Demi Moore is the main character!

So a bit of back story – The film is based on a couple David and Diana. They have been crazy about each other since high school and if there was an advert for being in love these two would be it. When they fall on hard times, they are made an offer from a wealthy business man (Robert Redford) of 1 million dollars to spend one night with Diana. They accept the deal and the story is essentially about how long term relationships can survive the course and whether money can really buy you love.

That question of whether money can buy you love intrigues me. My answer – NO of course it can’t. The question of what lengths someone would go to for a million pounds also has me thinking and of course the question of what love can survive pulls me back into the movie every time. When I watch the film it always has me questioning what I would do in that situation. Granted being offered money for a night with a millionaire is quite frankly unrealistic but the consequences of that decision for anyone leaves my mind in emotional chaos.

So the first question. Can money buy you love?

In my opinion NO. I have always been of that opinion. I am an advocate of love and money means nothing to me. What is money if you don’t have anyone to share it with right? I’ve never been fortunate to have a lot of money so I guess my answer comes from only experiencing love in my lifetime. The concept in the film of Diana giving up her love for David for a lavish lifestyle doesn’t sit well with me at all. I’ve never been one to rely on a man for money. I work hard and I finance myself, that’s how I’ve always been, somehow being reliant on a man to provide for me makes me feel weak, because if it all came crumbling down what would I have left? Not money, because that can be taken in an instant, but love, love is something that remains even after its gone, it remains inside. I can’t answer this question on behalf of everyone because love means different things to different people, but for me I could have nothing but the clothes on my back and still feel as rich as can be if I had someone to love and someone who loves me.

Money is material, love is a feeling – they are different. They can evoke similar feelings but ultimately for me love will always win.

What would I do for a million pounds? So above I just said how money doesn’t mean anything to me right, but that doesn’t mean to say that if I had it I wouldn’t enjoy it! I would never chose money over love but if I was offered a million pounds, what would I chose to give up for it? For me money is a means to live, people would be lying if they said that they didn’t want the security that money can bring. It would be lovely to wake up and have a nice house, nice belongings and not have the worry about bills each month, but for me money is something you work for. Spending money for me is always sweeter when I have worked hard for it. When I work hard and save up to buy something I really need I enjoy it more than if I was to just be handed it on a plate. So my honest answer is I wouldn’t give anything up right now for a million, but that’s conjecture maybe if a serious offer was on the table I may just change my mind ;-).

And the last question – What can love survive? This is the one I think about the most. It bothers me that these day’s people don’t fight for their relationships. Don’t get me wrong I’m guilty of it myself. Somehow these days it’s easy to chuck the towel in and tell yourself that life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. But what does unhappy mean? I think that part gets confused. Unhappy is not having a few fights along the way, it’s not facing a few challenges or curveballs that life throws our way and it’s not getting fed up of the annoying things our partners do, those things might be making you unhappy in the moment but they are temporary, they shouldn’t be the reasons we give up so quickly. I think the problem today is that people’s expectations of a happy relationship are unrealistic. Maybe the films are to blame or the lyrics of a love song. Either way people are too easy to give up on a good thing at the slightest hint of trouble. To me if you love someone with your entire being, love can survive anything. There is a scene in the film where David says to Diana “I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay together it’s not because they forget, it’s because they forgive” that’s always a poignant moment in the film for me because it’s the moment Diana realises that he is willing to forgive not only her but himself and put their love for each other first. Love is all about forgiveness, loving the unlovable things about a person and when you truly have that, there is nothing that love can’t overcome.

So that’s what’s been playing on mind today. Ask yourself the same questions. Let me know your answers. And again if you haven’t watched this film and you’re a hopeless romantic like me – It’s raining and miserable, go watch it

Dais x

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