So I’ve been crazy busy lately trying to be superhuman; a mum, a housekeeper, a worker and a student amongst the other anxieties of life and I’ve gotta say that the last few months have almost broken me. Almost…
I still have a little fight left in me though and so that keeps me ticking on. I’ve been on my final placement for almost 6 months now and I’ve loved every minute of it. I’m on the home stretch and just have a few short weeks to go and then the fun starts with numerous assignments that are the equivalent to a dissertation. Anyone who’s done this will know how soul destroying the thought of it is. If i am not broken now i can guarantee i will be by the end of April.
I’m pessimistic most of the time and i’m not one who’s lucky, but the one thing i have in spades is determination and focus for my dreams. So i may not come out of this degree emotionally and physically unscathed but i WILL pass it and i WILL reach my goals no matter how hard or how long it takes me.
As the finish line gets closer its got me thinking about the future and where i want to be and i can categorically say anywhere but here. So I’ve been thinking about my options and what it is i really want out of life. I want the nice house, a house that i own, that I’ve worked for and can leave to Ruby when i am gone. I want the great job with great pay, one that excites me and that makes me realise everyday i wake up why and who I’m doing it for. I want the nice community with the nice neighbours and the new friends, maybe in time a new man. I want the safe and comfortable life for Ruby that I’ve always wished for. For her to live life and know that i did everything to make sure she had a great start that leads to an even better future. I think we all want those things deep down, to know that we made a mark, that we lived to our full potential instead of merley existing.
The thing I’ve realised though, is that i can’t do that here. Life has become so stagnant, i have become static and life is passing me by. So I’ve been making plans to build my life somewhere else. For now it’s just been a process of thoughts but the reality will soon be true. I’ve been looking at jobs and homes away from here. I’ve kinda settled on Yorkshire. I remember having a holiday there as a kid and its just always stuck with me. Its the kind of place i can see myself living and being happy.
Ofcourse my mum is hysetrical about this and being a mum myself i get it. Its time now though to do something for me. For me and Ruby, to stand on my own two feet and make something thats ours, that i am proud of. I need to go on this adventure to find out where i really belong. They say home is where the heart is, and thats true, its not a place though or a thing, my family is where mine is and they will be there wherever i choose to go, and i hope they understand that one day.
It’s exciting to think that life could be so different next year but i wont lie its also scarey as hell. I never tend to go outside of my comfort zone but if i don’t do this now i will always wonder and a life of just wondering rather than doing would be a waste.
Someone once said that “success comes from having dreams bigger than your fears” and i’m just about ready to prove that point.