I don’t know how to love in moderation, my heart beats in gentle intensity…

To the reason my heart beats…

When i talk about you to people it is only with love. When i think about you, it is only with love but when i dream about you it is only with regret. Regret that things are not different, that i hadn’t met you sooner and that this hole in my heart won’t go away because i have lost you.

Loss is enevitable in life, it tears you up and rips away at your soul piece by piece until you are nothing of the person you were before the loss. Heartbreak and loss go together and I’ve found out the hard way. Mourning someone who still walks this earth is one of the worst pains imaginable. How can someone come into your life and change it so dramatically, to then leave it so suddenly? There is no closure, no final goodbyes just memories and the thing that fucks you up the most…. Hope. And so that is where i find myself. Sitting, thinking, wondering, waiting and hoping that as long as i have breath in my body one day you may come back..

Some people say that people enter our lives as lessons, but i can’t figure out what lesson you were to me. I’ve always said i believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason and i often think that when a relationship ends its because its making way for something better. But with you it feels different somehow. Somehow there doesnt seem like there will be something better. You see, i have this overwhelming feeling that i am meant to be with you. That you are it for me. I’ve been inlove before and i’ve imagined futures with people but never have i ever felt so confident that this is where I’m meant to be. How fucked up is that huh, that the thing that i pushed away and destroyed is also the thing i want more then anything else. I guess its easier to hurt yourself than allow someone else to do it…

I think the thing i will miss the most, is how i was when i was with you. For the first time with someone, i didnt have to be someone else, i didnt have to act a certain way or change any part of me. I felt comfortable just being me and that you liked me for that despite all my flaws, i think. That feeling of allowing myself to sit comfortably with being me, made me happy for the first time in a long time. Now i will have to go back to putting on this act and it scares me that i will never have that feeling with anyone else again, nor the desire to want it.

If theres one thing I’ve learnt over the years though is that i wont force anything. I can’t make someone feel the same and neither would i want to. For me, the absolute worst thing would be to know someone was with me but was unhappy, because when you truly love someone you wish for their happiness even if that does not include you. And i will forever be in your corner, cheering you on from the sidelines to just be happy knowing that it doesnt include me anymore and thats ok.

Irrespective of all that has been said and done, i want you to know what an impact you made on my heart. In a few months you managed to do what very few have achieved and made me feel that i wasn’t just existing, that i was living and breathing because i wanted to not because i had to, and I’ll always be greatful for that.

Losing you has been an agony i can’t even describe, and it’s not something i would like to repeat. But the knot in my stomach, the sleepless nights and the tears will eventually dry and i wont feel regret that i met you or had to have my heart broken, just regret that i wasn’t enough for you to stay, that i didn’t do enough to make you want to, but thats on me, those are my failings.

But as the old adage goes its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Now i truly know the meaning of that sentance and as much as it hurts right now. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, 1000 times over because it was worth it.

You will always be worth it to me..


Dais xx

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