Will you just pick a fucking lane!…

Excuse the swearing in this post it will be off the scale but i feel its neccessary haha

So I’ve just arrived home from the school run. I am filled with hate about the school run, i become almost murderous by the time i get home. It’s not just me, i’m pretty sure all parents hate the fucking school run.

It rains everytime you step out the door. Not just a little drizzle, no its fucking pouring to the point you have to question whether you’ve been caught in the eye of hurricane bloody katrina! You get soaked because let’s face it, your probably wearing some shit shoes like ugg boots because your only going up the school so it doesn’t matter. (If your anything like me your probably not even dressed yet and wearing your pyjamas underneath your coat aswell.) Your freezing cold and you’ve forgotton your umbrella so your desperately trying to share your kids shitty hello kitty umbrella which couldn’t even shelter a bloody hamster let alone a grown adult and a child.The actual journey. You realise half way up the road you’ve forgotton numerous things pe bag, water bottle, homework, letters, but you’d rather the teachers think your an awful mother then turn back and get caught in the morning traffic which will eat into your kid free time. Your kid is merrily sat in their seat, talking 10 to the dozen, maybe even singing if your as lucky as me… or asking you a 101 questions that every parent dreads “mum why do we exist?” “Mum where do babies come from?” Mum why havent you shaved your legs this week?” (I get that one often) . I’m sat there thinking why me, praying that i will be home soon, but through gritted teeth i smile and answer all her questions. Mainly because i know if i don’t then I’ll just get it 10 times worse later when schools out, and by 3.30 i havent the energy to deal with that shit.Motorists – The thing i hate most about the school run. Other knobhead drivers, which is actually what this post is about. It’s not just on the school run, it’s mostly everytime i get into my car. But the school run takes the biscuit, the level of stupid is off the scale. It’s like every bastard moron driver comes out to play at 8.30am to ruin my day!

I’ve been driving 11 years. I’m not the best driver if I’m honest, but when i’m in that seat, windows down cruising through North Baddesley i like to think I’m on a level with Lewis Hamilton. Nothing grinds my gears more then other drivers.

Take today – I’m sitting waiting at a junction, 3 cars behind the line, theres traffic blocked up onto the pull out lane and noone is giving an inch to let people out. The first moron of the day though thinks he’s an executive on the road and the rules don’t apply to him, so he pulls out smack bang in the middle of the oncoming traffic – chaos!

The second moron this morning created a whole queue of cars next to the school, which is a heavy traffic area anyway, because she couldn’t possibly pull in to the massive space. No her precious car (which was actually some shit volvo) had to be reversed in. It would have been fine had she been able to master reverse, but no it took several minutes of her goin back and forth to position her car just so. Meanwhile i am waiting at the junction with venom on my face, shaking my head and praying she looks at me so she knows on this fine tuesday she has pissed me off.

I am really bad when it comes to road rage, I’ve debated whether to get a dash cam to actually film the stupid on our roads, but i fear the footage would just be an hours montage of me swearing into air. That and the occasional sound of a strangled cat – (me singing).

Mini roundabouts – thats my worse time for the rage. When i learnt to drive, i was always told to give way to the right and I’m pretty sure that most other people would agree. Then why is there a majority of people who either didn’t get told this or who just have blatent disregard to the rules of the road and look to the left. Why! Even better then those people, are the ones that just pull out without looking in any direction! I find myself daily screaming in utter disbelief “what the fuck are you doing?!” As if they can actually hear me. They don’t – but it helps me to let it be known that they are complete idiots even if I’m only saying it to air.

Road rage is quite cathartic really. It’s a good stress reliever, just as long as it doesn’t boil over into you actually getting out of your car to people and squaring up to them. I’ve seen it happen, I’ve been close to it myself but if your getting to that point that your threatening to smash someones head in because they didn’t say thanks to you when you let them by. Then its time to reassess your driving.. and your life.

Some of my favourite road rage rants –

“Pick a fucking lane will you” – why do people do this, hover between lanes. Do they not see the white lines, do they enjoy winding people up, does it make them feel important to know thier upfront and noone can get by. My theory; there a moron!

“Do you want to get up my ass a little more buddy!” – i have done this myself. However people that are so far up your ass they can see the friggin engine really piss me off. Your not gunna get any further mate! Your not intimidating me, I’ll just go slower. I might even do a little break test…

“Where’s your fucking indicator, i’ll just guess where your going shall i pal” – I’m guilty of this too expecially as one of my indicators doesnt work at the moment, but when other people do it. I could kill! I don’t have a crystal ball, i can’t forsee that on wednesday 15th December 2017 I’ll be travelling behind you an you’ll be turning left at the traffic lights. It’s a shame i know but i don’t. Use your bloody blinkers there not for display…

Everytime i do a little road rage rant in my car i always add on the end some passive agressive form of endearment. Pal, buddy, love. It makes me feel connected to them on a personal level. Like I’m saying the most horrific mean things but I’m not that mean because i called them buddy.

I think I’ve ranted enough about drivers, I’ve worked myself up so much that I’ve contemplated putting a shot of vodka in my tea. I’ve exactly 5 hours and 12 minutes before i have to leave for school pick up and I’m already thinking about the twat bus drivers that will cut me up, the fact i won’t be able to find a parking space because someone will probably be taking up 3 bays with their shit parking and the ever so delightful tosser who won’t use his indicator (me) and I’m laughing in mock dread…

Final note – Dont be a moron behind the wheel – it pisses people off!!

Dais x

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