So, most people know me on a surface level. They know what I look like, the sound of my voice, the basic details about my life; like where I live, where I work, that I’m a mum, and from Facebook you could probably get a good idea of the kind of things I enjoy doing; movies, music, things that I find funny, but how much do people really know me? The real me. The things that I’ve been through the things that I fear, the things that matter. There’s not many. You may think I share a lot about myself through my social media and my blog but actually there are only a handful of people that know me well enough for me to trust my life to. So, I thought I’d open myself up a little bit and write a list about the real me. The questions are based on things that I’d like to know about other people, the kind of things you talk about until 3am with your best friend and I’ll be unapologetically honest with my responses. So here goes. If there’s anything at the end that I haven’t covered, and you’d always wanted to know just leave a comment.
1) What would constitute as your perfect day?
I’m a simple person, so for me my perfect day would not consist of things or places. The perfect day for me is about who I am with. Being with the people I love, the people who make me laugh are what I would chose. As long as I’m laughing I’m happy. I’m quiet a home comfort person as well so it wouldn’t have to be adventure, I’m kind of happy just sitting with friends and watching a movie at home.
2) For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
My capacity to love. Without a doubt. My heart is big and sometimes I’m too forgiving or I can love too much, but to be able to feel everything and love someone with as much depth as I do is a quality I’m grateful for. It may keep me up at night and can cause me immense pain at times, but I would rather live life feeling everything than nothing at all. It doesn’t need to be said but my most precious gift I’m grateful for is also my daughter, she’s my reason for living, the air in my lungs and I will forever hold her as my greatest achievement or as long as I’m breathing.
3) What do you value most in a friendship?
Honesty. I’m the type of friend who will tell you the truth even if I think it will hurt you and I expect the same in return. There’s no point sugar coating things. I want my friends to succeed, I want to cheer them on and I can’t do that if I’m not honest. I mean who benefits when your friends don’t know they look like shit in their nude leggings. Certainly not them, it might give me a few laughs to lie but I want to keep my friends thanks. Apart from that all I ask is that you have good banter. I send funny memes constantly to my friends and if you don’t laugh at my pickings then I’m afraid you can’t be in my circle. JK! My best friend Zara just gets me, she is always there for me through good and bad times and she has turned my life around since I met her only 3 years ago. She also makes me die with laughter and I love her for her honesty as much as her banter.
4) Given the choice of 3 celebrities dead or alive you could invite to a dinner party as your guests who would they be and why?
1. Ricky Gervais – For the laughs obviously
2. Teresa May – Purely to just tear a strip off her. She is vile and needs a reality check on how the real-world lives. By the time I’m finished she won’t be talking about how running through fields of wheat was the worst thing she’s ever done, it’ll be coming to my dinner party.
3. Michael Jackson – I love his music and he fascinates me. I’d like to know the truth about him and watch him perform live. I know loads of people say stuff about him, but he was an amazing performer, and no one can take that away from him. I’m under no illusions of how this dinner party would go down, and just thinking about it fills me with laughter. Thank god it will never happen, or I might never recover.
5) What do you fear?
Death. It is my number one fear. The whole not knowing what will happen to you afterwards, scares me and the way that I will die. I can’t even contemplate those thoughts because they make my chest tight and my head hurt. On some level we’ve all been in the situation where we’ve felt better off dead and I’m no exception but to actually think about it happening fills me with dread. Having said that I have organised my funeral and wake plans at the age of 30 because if I’m going, I’m going in style ha.
6) What’s your biggest phobia?
Ok so this is quite a weird one but its Velvet. Just writing the word makes me feel sick. I’m not one that can’t go near it or anything, but I cannot touch the stuff and looking at anything velvet makes me feel sick and uncomfortable. I have no idea where it came from or why but I’m guessing it was the scars left from receiving a gold velvet top for Christmas one year and being made to wear it. It was the worst thing I have ever seen and I’m pretty sure my parents ruined velvet for me ever since.
7) What quote do you live by?
Well there’s many because I love quotes, I read them every day. They make me feel better that somewhere someone in the world has felt the same as me at some point so I’m not alone. There’s too many to pick but my top 2 are;
“You can’t let people scare you, you can’t go your whole life trying to please everyone else. You can’t go through life worried about what everyone else thinks of you; whether it’s your hair, clothes, what you say, have or do. You can’t let the judgement of others stop you from being you. Because if you do, your no longer you your someone everyone else wants you to be.”
My friends and family are always saying to me don’t you care what people think if you go out like that etc etc. and I always reply no I don’t give a shit. Cause you know what, that is my life and I only have one and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste it wondering whether people think I didn’t brush my hair today. I’ve got more important things to do. So, I live by this quote.
“Help someone not for the reward but for the sake of changing a life.”
I don’t ask anyone for anything if I can help it. I would rather give, whether that be money, love, advice or my time. That’s why I want to do social work, not for the pay packet which is crap by the way but because I want to support people who have lost hope. Because I’ve been there and it’s the loneliest place in the world and if I can help one person to change their life in some small way and give them hope then I’ve done something worthwhile. There are only a handful of people I could say would be there for me if I was in the gutter and who wouldn’t want anything in return. Always remember those people and keep them close.
8) What’s one thing that happened to you that made you strong?
I consider myself quiet a strong woman. I guess that comes from having strong parents who have taught me to get back up when you fall. I’ve been through lots of things in my life, a lot of things that no one knows I struggle with, but I never give up. The one thing I can pin point that made me the strongest I’ve ever been, was being cheated on and left a single mum. I won’t go into the depths of that situation because I don’t have the time, but it destroyed me. When you’re on top of the world and think you have life all figured out and then it comes crumbling down on top of you in an instant, you think there is no way out. But having a child to look after and support made me strong, it helped me to fight to be where I am today, and I have had to struggle every day since. Instead of failing at life, I chose to do better, I chose to stand proud, instead of feeling sorry for myself. It still affects me now, with relationships and being a parent etc but it doesn’t beat me, I’m still here living and trying. There is a quote that says “courage isn’t always a roar sometimes it’s quiet and just someone saying they will try again tomorrow”, and that’s me one day at a time.
9) Most memorable dream?
Ok so this is a weird one but it’s a dream I’ve had since I was young and its recurring. It happens every year around my birthday month. I have no idea what triggered it or what it means, not through want of trying as I have googled the shit out of this but if anyone has an explanation then feel free to fill me in. I can’t afford therapy.
So basically, I am running (that in itself is weird, right?) I’m running from a giant yellow smartie with black arms and legs and white gloves. I’m being chased, and I hop in a black London taxi and do one to asda. I think I’ve lost the smartie and get to asda and hide in the big bins they have outside. I’m peering through the gap with my heart in my chest, looking at the smartie looking for me thinking I’ve got away from him. He suddenly comes right for me in the bin and I wake up. This has bugged me for years and I get the whole running away from problems etc but why the giant smartie please someone help??? Anyone???
10) Favourite childhood memory?
There’s so many. I spent my childhood with my sister and two amazing friends I will have for life (Karla and James). We spent every day together and the things I remember most was that we were always doing something out of nothing. We didn’t have much, but we always found a way to have fun. I wish these days my own daughter could build those memories, but I fear instead she will just remember playing on technology. My favourite memory is of me and my friends making radio shows on an old tape recorder, trying to stop the tape when the music stopped, reading from books and pretending to be presenters. We even caught my friends mum on tape shouting “if you lot don’t keep it down up there, you’re going to get the wooden spoon across your ass” Good old Julie. We had hours of fun doing these kinds of things and I’ll always remember those times and those friends for my whole life.
Ok so those are top ten questions, I could go on forever, but I really should be doing an essay that’s due today, procrastination at its finest. I haven’t written a blog in a while because I’ve been quite busy, but I wanted to put something in that was more about me and not my opinion on things. Anyway, hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll be back again soon when I’m not so exhausted.