Fuck you China!
So last week I went shopping with my mum. The plan was to find an outfit for a weekend away I had booked. Being the cheapskate and bargain hunter I am, my normal haunts would be Asda or Primarni, but as mum had some vouchers we decided to pop into Marks and Spencer.
I knew before I even entered that I would walk out empty handed. I’m the type of person who stands in a shop debating whether something is worth the £1 price tag. I will literally walk out of the pound shop having put back a handful of things certain I can find it cheaper elsewhere. So Marks and Spencers to me was like strolling into Harrods!
As luck would have it though, there was a big sale on and I made a purchase. A £35 jumper down to £2.49. I’d struck gold!
I spent the rest of the morning trying on clothes I knew I couldn’t purchase on my single mum student budget! I’m not a fan of trying on clothes in shops. I always pick up items I know are 4 sizes too small for me in the vain hope that I may just squeeze in to it. I don’t and I end up spending ages going back and forth picking up various sizes until I eventually admit defeat and pick up my actual size. oh would you look at that it fits. If I didn’t have such an ego I’d have saved myself time and the embarrassment of hopping round the changing room trying desperately to zip up trousers that even Barbie would struggle to fit in!
I decided to look for shoes instead as lets face it it’s the only time I will actually be a size 6/7 in anything. EVER! Anyway I found these beautiful gold heels. Heels I knew I would regret buying, but they were just so beautiful so I put them in the trolley. I got to the till and I almost had a panic attack! I was watching the assistant scanning the items through. She picked up the shoes and scanned them both! My mind was in turmoil, what kind of fuckery was this! What kind of shop have I entered! my mind was whirling with thoughts “i thought these shoes were twenty five pound, surley shes not going to charge me per shoe? if that’s the case then I don’t fucking want them!” but what could I say? I said nothing and stood there palms sweating. I looked to my mum for reassurance but it was evident that she wasn’t even perplexed by this. Ofcourse she wasn’t, my mum could drop a thousand quid in less them five minutes and not bat an eyelid. So I kept quiet, when I got the receipt I stood scanning it for over five minutes checking that I wasn’t charged £50, because my feet are not worth £25 each, i’ll tell you that for free! Alas my fears were unfounded as I was only charged £25 for the pair. I do not want to experience that panic again though so ill be sticking to Asda from now on where I know for a fact they sell things in pairs – even bras!
These were not just any shoes, these were M and S shoes. Shoes that caused me to walk out and about in Bournemouth all night bare foot because they broke my fucking feet! I still have the blisters and burns to prove it! they are now in my shoe cupboard where they will stay for approximately forever!
I think most woman love to shop. I don’t! I find it extremely boring and it cause me huge amounts of stress. I prefer to shop online in the comfort of my own home where I can look like shit in jogging bottoms and braless, where the only person to judge me is my daughter and judge she does!
I’ve made some errors while online shopping though, some big errors. For instance, last year I purchased this lovely Christmas jumper on Ebay. I thought I would look the shit in it, so i was excited for it to arrive. I ordered an extra large thinking it would be slightly loose. I was wrong! it wasn’t loose not even a bit. I may as well have ordered clothes for a china doll as that is what this online shop must have thought they were catering for! The top was from China (ironic) and they sent a size 10. at first i thought they must have sent the wrong size but no as i discovered that day, if you are a size 10 in China you are considered extra large – Gigantic! I literally couldn’t even get my arm in the sleeve without a struggle! The jumper still hangs on the back of my bedroom door unworn except for whe i try it on just for shits and giggles and when i like to remind myself that I’m lucky to live in England, because if i lived in Chiona i’d either be walking round naked or having clothes custom made. Fuck you China! If you don’t want people to be above a size ten stop tempting me with chicken balls and chow mein!
Some people say I’m hard to buy for but i call bullshit – you know very well where the wine shop is and i don’t like odd numbers so ill have two bottles please. Shopping for alcohol is the only time ill spend twenty quid in under five minutes and not give two fucks. I don’t even need to go to marks and sparks for this i can go to Tesco and probably get a 3 for 2 offer and still have change, every little helps….