I can sleep when I’m dead right?…

So I have woken up this morning after another night of little sleep. 3.5 hours to be exact and it’s becoming a recurring theme! Most nights I am awake until around 3/4 am and then up again at 07:30am for the school run/work. This explains why I look like I do in the attached pictures. I mean they are bad, really bad, I tried putting them through Instagram filters but there’s just no way to pretty those up. It could be worse that’s what I have to tell myself anyway! I send these pics to my best mate, the first one she’s kept for at least a year so I know I’m making someone happy in the mornings. Certainly not a boyfriend but I can always rely on my bestie to love the picture gifts I bestow to her.

After I’m up I have to have at least two cups of tea and a cigarette before I can assemble a good morning instead of a “fuck off”. I tell you, mornings in my house are brilliant. Sleep deprived mum verses an 8 year old with a penchant for torture. This week it’s 3 – 0…. To her!

The last two weeks have been hell in the sleep stakes because I have been worrying about starting my final year at uni and my final placement. My anxiety has got anxiety right now and if I don’t get this insomnia under control then I fear I maybe the one who needs therapy.

Although sleep deprivation is torture it does have some good points. When I’m laying in bed trying to get some shut eye, I’m not one of those who counts sheep. No – google is my friend and I’ve learnt some pretty cool stuff! Granted the things I google haven’t helped me enhance my knowledge so much that I’d win The Chase single handed but atleast I can tell you if “swans get neck ache from all the bending”. In case you are now wondering – they don’t, they are designed for it, but in the midst of my search I did find out that there is such a thing as swan neck deformity in humans so actually reaching at least five grand on The Chase doesn’t seem so unobtainable with my ever increasing knowledge. I’m pretty sure I could win university challenge with specialist subject swans to be fair.

I thought I’d share with you my top five sleep deprived google searches. Stay awake you might learn a thing or two!

1. Why do we have eyebrows? In a world where eyebrows are being abolished and now drawn on in lovely arrow like designs I have begun to wonder what’s the point of them? Well let me tell you, apart from helping people to distinguish whether you are surprised, confused or just desperate for a wee, eyebrows are actually there to protect your eyes from sweat! So for those of you who draw yours on, they are useless to you now, you could even be temporarily blinded. But hey at least your brows are “on fleek ” who am I to judge!

2. What was the best thing before sliced bread? I don’t know about you but I think sliced bread is overrated. Hovis – Do one. Kingsmill – go big or go home! There’s nothing better then a crunchy loaf that you can slice to your own thickness. I like to stick mine in the toaster then spend ten minutes ripping it to shreds trying to get it out with a knife because I’ve cut it too thick. The impending danger of whether you will be electrocuted today just adds to the breakfast experience. The best thing before sliced bread though? A sharp knife??

3.Why don’t you see white dog poo anymore? I’m guessing this has been a question on everyone’s lips judging by my google results. It was a big phenomenon back in the 80/90s. Me and my friends would all stand around examining it, marvelling at the colour, poking it with sticks. Alas fear not I now have the answer. Dog’s diets have changed. No they haven’t become vegans but they no longer get fed big bones and calcium filled treats. These days its all about succulent lamb in gravy pouches that could give Toby Carvery a run for their money. I now have the answers but I will always look upon this period nostalgically and remember when me and my friends thought dogs were shitting snow.

4. Why do we get De ja vu? French for “already seen”. I think about this all the time. I get this feeling all the time. The one thing that bugs the life out of me though is when you turn to someone and say “I’ve got De ja vu” and they reply with “why?” your always dumbfounded by that question arn’t you because how do you answer it? I now know why. Late night googling has given me the opportunity to now answer with a psychological narrative about how its a malfunctioning of our short and long term memory circuit. I’m still not convinced though. I think it’s probably to do with reincarnation. That feeling like you’ve lived this life before in someway. Often when I’m slaving away over a hot stove, I feel like a scullery maid from 1840. Hmm odd maybe I was one?

Last one but one of the most important I feel. 

5.Why do people go on the Jeremy Kyle show? So you get a couple of nights in a hotel and a free mini bar but you also get the whole nation watching you DNA test 8 men because you went a bit crazy over summer or watching as you and your family feud and chuck insults around about each others teeth. There is an easier way to achieve this scenario. Just have a family get together. Christmas is usually the best time when tempers are unpredictable. Rock up at your parents (free hotel) raid their alcohol stash and watch the fireworks unfold. Happens every year! Get someone to film it, upload to facebook and settle down with your pigs and blankets and watch the free insults and advice from viewers rack up. Sure you don’t get to meet the genius that is Graham but you also don’t get Jezza up your ass smugly saying well Well Well when it’s revealed to the family that your dad likes to wear woman’s underwear. That shits for close friends or Jerry Springer! I couldn’t get a definitive answer on this one, so for anyone who’s been on it please tell me why? Why do you subject yourself to it. I’m not saying stop because I like the odd Jeremy Kyle sesh in the morning, my favourites are the lie detectors but please tell me why? Do you get paid? Should it be something I should be considering when times are hard?

So as you can see I’ve learnt a whole host of general knowledge at night and I feel if I keep it up I could be known as the new Anne Heggarty.

Tomorrow I am back to Uni and I am praying that I get a good nights sleep. Perhaps 5 hours?

Tonight I will have to contend with some things though; like being wired because it’s only 11:30 and I’ve already had 6 cups of tea today to keep me going. Add in an 8 year old who likes to creep into my bed, shove her cold feet up my ass and slap me round the face while she sleeps soundly and a garden that I swear is housing the whole of Hampshire’s wildlife keeping me up with their incessant twit twoos and I just might by the grace of god fall asleep at a reasonable hour if I can get through these obstacles.

Wish me luck

Much love

Dais x

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