A letter to my daughter…

Ruby

On the days where you shout out to me that you hate me and wish I wasn’t your mother, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

On the days when I can’t afford to buy you the latest craze toy or give you money for days out with your friends, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

On the days where you are upset because I am at work and don’t have time to play schools or read you a story, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

In fact any day where you feel I wasn’t the greatest mum I could be, or that I neglected you and your needs, I want you to remember – that I did my best.

When your grown and look back on your childhood, I don’t expect you to describe a magical time where you had everything you wanted and a perfect mother, because that’s not real life. But I do hope that you can describe to people how I did my best to make sure that you felt more love than anyone could possibly have for another and that I was there when it mattered the most, how everything I did was with you in my mind, how everything I achieved came from wanting what was best for you. I’m not a perfect mother no, and I make too many mistakes when it comes to parenting but I love you more than I could ever describe in words and I want you to know that throughout your life, I’ve only ever done my best.

The day you were born my heart exploded and I don’t think it will ever recover. You are the air that I breathe and everything in between. If there is ever a time where you are filled with doubt and uncertainty about life, if I could make you realise only one thing, it would be that your are undoubtedly the only and best thing to ever happen to me and I will never stop loving you.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that life is easy and you will breeze through it. That you will never face failure or heartache and you will achieve everything you ever wanted. But I can’t tell you that, because I would be lying. Life is hard. It’s cliché but true. Life will sometimes mess you up and present to you things that you don’t ever think you will come out the other side of. You WILL experience failure and you WILL experience heartache more than once. But I want you to remember that I will always be there to dry your eyes, to shield you, to protect you and to support you through the bad times. I can’t stop you from hurting, I wish that I could – because a parent watching their child hurt is a pain that you will not understand until you have your own children. I will help you to get through that hurt and to build yourself back up each and every time. I promised you that, when you were born, when you lay in my arms, oblivious to the journey you were about to embark on. I whispered to you, that I would always be there, that I would do everything I could to make sure you were happy. I made that promise to you the day you were born and I will keep that promise until my last breath.

Last week you turned 8 and I couldn’t believe where the years had gone. I wonder sometimes how I got so lucky. I read stories online sometimes of parents who have lost their children, either by death or missing or because they were put into care, and it hurts my heart to hear of the things other parents go through. To lose a child would be any parent’s worst nightmare and I can’t imagine how that pain would feel, and I hope I never have to. So even though it may not seem like it sometimes when I’m grumpy or I have told you off for the 5th time that day. I want you to know that I I do count my lucky stars, every day. I’m grateful that you are here, breathing, laughing, living and for all the bad days ahead of us, the good times make it all worth it.

I also want you to know that you should always do you. Don’t ever get caught in a trap of thinking that you should be a certain way, look different, act different, and think different because other people want you too. Being you is what makes me proud of you, the way you laugh, the way you smile, the way you dramatize everything and ask so many questions I feel sometimes I could die from exhaustion. Those things make you beautiful and I want you to grow to be proud of them too. Don’t ever compromise yourself for other people because that won’t make you happy. 

That is the only aim I have for you in life. I don’t care who you want to have a relationship with, what you want to do as a job, who your friends are or where you live. All I wish for you is to be happy.

I would be here all day if I told you all the things that were in my heart but I will leave you with this.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

xx Mummy xx

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