Feed a cold, starve a fever, give pms anything it wants…

Hands up ladies, who turns into a she devil at least one week of every month??

I do….

I’d like to tell you that I don’t suffer from pmt and that I handle this shit like Mary fucking poppins but I can’t! I’m more like cruella De ville X 10!

As I sit and write this I am 3 days awaiting the hell that we call our menstrual cycle, and before even a drop of blood is shed I can feel my mood turning murderous! I’ve always been like this, I’ve had the worst pmt since my teens. I swear you can literally see me turning like the hulk; face contorting into angry snarl, steam coming out my ears and fists clenched ready.

For a whole two weeks of every month, the slightest thing can make me snap. Someone says “good morning” and I’m over here like “don’t you dare talk to me like that bitch”. Someone looks or smiles at me in the street and I walk on by muttering how I’ll wipe that smile off there god damn face if they look at me like that again. I live and breathe hatred and this month I’m lucky enough to be taunted 3 days before I’m even due. If you are close with me this is your first warning – back away from me immediately!

I actually think pmt should be treated as a condition and in extreme cases you should be able to use it as legal defence. The amount of times I’ve wanted to smack someone upside the head with a chair or break their legs is worrying and something I have no control over when I get my monthly. I’ve never gone to those lengths but I’ve come pretty close to bat shit crazy!

I once asked an ex boyfriend to pop to the shop for me and get a few things so I could make dinner. The list was only for about 3 items and mushrooms being the main ingredient was on the list. Knowing what he was like I said I would write it down for him, but no Billy big bollox thought he could handle it and went, telling me it’s all up here as he pointed to his brain. Half hour later he turned up with everything but the mushrooms telling me he ‘forgot’. Well if I wasn’t incredulous already that a five minute trip took half an hour I completely lost my shit over the mushrooms. I stormed round the house slamming cupboard, shouting and hollering every name under the sun at him while he stood laughing at me for overreacting. I was fuming he was mocking me so I grabbed a carrot from the side and threw it hard at him. It bounced off his head and I wiped his smug smile of his face.

Another time back in the day with a different boyfriend I actually ended our relationship after a pmt induced hissy fit because he bought me the wrong flavour poppets back from the shop. (If he loved me he’d have got the mint ones not orange)!

The moral of the story is don’t fuck with me where food and pmt is concerned!

Your thinking what a total an utter bitch right? But I literally can’t help it, as soon as it’s on its way my mind clouds and I can no longer ‘do’ people.

One of the worst things about being on your period is when your shitty boyfriend knows you have pmt but proceeds to taunt you with snidey digs like “ooo someone’s on their period” or “don’t shout at me just because your bleeding and have a few cramps”

I get the rage with this, why can’t men just be sympathetic, offer you comfort or just piss off for one week every month? Why have they got to be there- breathing…

So I say to men; when you can handle; agonising cramps, extreme exhaustion, extreme blood loss, and nausea and not turn into an absolute bitch then come at me with your sly digs, but I’m pretty sure you all wouldn’t last one day. Until then if you continue to goad me on hell week then be prepared to have a carrot chucked at you.

The following is a little snap shot of how most woman’s day will go when they are on their cycle. It goes like this

7:00am – Wake up

07:02am – Why am I awake, kill me now!

07:10am – Still in bed and feeling exhausted.

07:20am – Drag self out of bed, check said bed for ruined sheets. (Fml)

07:25am – Enter bathroom. Spots everywhere. You may as well be a dot to dot.

07:35am – The cramps have started. Everything hurts, stomach, boobs, back. Feeling like you’ve been in a car crash.

07:40am – Get in a hot bath, physically feeling better but spend entire time sobbing just because.

8:00am – Open wardrobe. I am a whale, nothing fits. Wailing about how fat and ugly you are before settling on your period outfit. (Yes girls have those)

08:20am – Breakfast. This will consist of chocolate on chocolate with chocolate.

08:30am – Feeling better and ready for the day ahead after your hearty breakfast.

08:35am – Leave house and become incredibly paranoid about how everyone is looking at you and hating. You sport your best resting bitch face that says don’t mess with me.

08:45 am – Life is good, I am good. Movie night tonight. I’m loving life.

08:50am – Pretty sure everyone hates me, I’m sure I had more followers on Facebook a minute ago.

08:52am – On the brink of tears, cramps have started again can’t possibly go anywhere today. Turn back home.

09:00am – Sat indoors, pj’s on, curtains closed, cuppa and the biscuit tin crying at an advert.

It’s 9:00am and I’m exhausted and there are still more then 12 hours left to get through before bed and 6 more days of this hell! So I’m really sorry if I don’t embrace my menstral cycle and style it out like Julie Andrews singing about my favourite things when I’m feeling sad but shedding my womb once a month is categorically not one of my favourite things! In fact its on a par with giving birth and having to squeeze out a baby the size of a pumpkin out your fanny. There is one good thing about getting your period though and that is knowing you don’t have a tiny human on the way and you are safe in the knowledge that your lady parts can stay intact for another 9 months and you won’t wee yourself when you cough. Yay for us!

At times I would honestly rather stick pins in my eyes then go through this hell every two weeks of every month but hey I’m a woman. I got this shit.

I really haven’t please help me!

I’m off now as i’m working myself up into a rage just writing this. My evening will consist of crying hysterically into my pillow and googling how to get away with murder. .. you know just in case. ..

P’s. I hate myself

Pps. I’ve just lost three twitter followers, I’m hated.

Much love

Dais x

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