Have you ever felt worthless? Have you ever felt humiliated? Have you ever felt unloved, lonely, ashamed, bruised from the inside out? I have! Because that’s what happens when someone cheats on you….
I don’t talk about this lightly because when I say being cheated on has fucked me up, that description does not even scratch the surface. I see it all the time though; joint facebook accounts, lovers checking each others phones, people seemingly looking like they are in a trusting relationship but when you really look at them, look at the intracacys of their relationship; the way they look at eachother, their closeness, their habits, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’ve been apart of one of those couples more than once. I’ve forced myself to smile when inside I’m numb. I’ve been on dates with my partner pretending to enjoy it when inside I’m screaming. I’ve posted social media updates about how i love him whilst checking his inbox in secret, and let me say that their is nothing more damaging to a person’s self esteem than staying with someone who has cheated on them.
The first time I was cheated on (that I knew about) came as a shock to me. 7 years later I can still remember the date, the time and what followed. Those things will eventually drift from memory but what will always stay with me is how I felt. I had just had a baby 2 months previously, I was on cloud nine, in my blissful world everything was perfect, I was perfect, she was perfect, he was perfect and our family was perfect. How wrong can you get it hey. That knock on my door was the worst time of my life and there’s been a few that could contest that. I felt physically sick, I felt like the world had just crumbled on top of me, like i was screaming yet nobody could hear me. Yet for days, weeks and months after I tortured myself more wanting to know every little detail of what had gone on. I don’t know why I did that but I wanted to know each and every time I had been humiliated without my knowledge. Every time something new came to light I would look back and think; I remember that being strange at the time but I never questioned It, why didn’t I question It? I guess living in ignorance is easier to deal with then living in pain.
It was never the physical side of the cheating that bothered me, because I get that sex can sometimes just be sex. Laying next to someone saying goodnight and I love you while they are texting someone else saying they wish they were with them. That’s what cuts. That’s what keeps the tears flowing and your brain wondering why you wernt enough until 4 am. That’s the kinda thing that eats away at you until you are broken. I’ve been that girl, the broken one, wondering why I couldn’t keep him happy, what did I do wrong, why wasn’t I good enough. And I’ve layed awake night after night crying into a pillow and asking myself why I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. If I could stop my daughter from experiencing that pain and damage I would do all I could.
I never felt like I could leave, not the first time, not the second and not the times that followed. As much as people tell you they are no good and you can do it alone, you can never truly walk away for good until you learn to stop loving them and start loving yourself. For those still stuck in those relationships, it will happen, one day out of the blue you will wake up and know that you don’t want to live that life. The life that turns you into someone who’s controlling, jealousy that runs through your veins, checking up on everything they do. Because in the end it isn’t worth your time. I’ve learnt over the years that if someone is going to cheat on you they Will, it doesn’t matter how tight you keep the leash, how often you check up on them, how much you do for them; if they want to they will and by doing those things you will only make yourself insane and what do you gain from It, they’ve still done it but maybe now you have the proof?
When I said this had fucked me up I wasn’t lying. My self esteem has been in the gutter for years. Which is why at 30 years old I can’t manage to settle in a relationship. I don’t have the ability to trust anymore, to have faith in someone that they will only love me and not half the town as well. So I end up sabotaging good relationships because of my own insecurities. To never have to feel that pain again is all I want so I stay alone, casting aside the good guys because of all the shitty ones I’ve had in the past. I have done this for years, I’ve settled with men that have seen that vulnerability inside Me, promised me the world and that they would never do that to me. They’ve all lied. They’ve used that against me to make me seem like an untrusting crazy woman to justify their shitty actions. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why if people are unhappy they don’t just leave and move on, why they feel the need to destroy people that afterwards they claim to love. Well to me that’s not love. Love is about trust, honesty, working together through hard times, not going elsewhere because things have got rough, that’s the easy way out.
I learnt something though from all the heartbreak. That I am enough, that I’ve always been enough. Im not perfect but i am enough and that all I want is to be enough for someone. If I ever meet someone again who doesn’t see my worth than I won’t be staying. I won’t be putting myself through that again. I’ve done my time and I would rather be alone than be with someone who make me feel alone. So to whoever comes along in the future, hear my storey, see my scars don’t assume I am this way because I want to be. I am this way because somebody once destroyed me and I still haven’t recovered.
I hope whoever is reading this that has been cheated on or is currently being cheated on. That you remember you are enough too and if someone doesn’t see that, than that is a reflection on them.and not you. Stand up and walk away to someone who will put your heart ahead of their own.
Final note. To my ex’s that inspired this blog. Fuck you with bells on. I’m doing just fine!