A letter to my daughter…

Ruby

On the days where you shout out to me that you hate me and wish I wasn’t your mother, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

On the days when I can’t afford to buy you the latest craze toy or give you money for days out with your friends, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

On the days where you are upset because I am at work and don’t have time to play schools or read you a story, I want you to remember that – I did my best.

In fact any day where you feel I wasn’t the greatest mum I could be, or that I neglected you and your needs, I want you to remember – that I did my best.

When your grown and look back on your childhood, I don’t expect you to describe a magical time where you had everything you wanted and a perfect mother, because that’s not real life. But I do hope that you can describe to people how I did my best to make sure that you felt more love than anyone could possibly have for another and that I was there when it mattered the most, how everything I did was with you in my mind, how everything I achieved came from wanting what was best for you. I’m not a perfect mother no, and I make too many mistakes when it comes to parenting but I love you more than I could ever describe in words and I want you to know that throughout your life, I’ve only ever done my best.

The day you were born my heart exploded and I don’t think it will ever recover. You are the air that I breathe and everything in between. If there is ever a time where you are filled with doubt and uncertainty about life, if I could make you realise only one thing, it would be that your are undoubtedly the only and best thing to ever happen to me and I will never stop loving you.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that life is easy and you will breeze through it. That you will never face failure or heartache and you will achieve everything you ever wanted. But I can’t tell you that, because I would be lying. Life is hard. It’s cliché but true. Life will sometimes mess you up and present to you things that you don’t ever think you will come out the other side of. You WILL experience failure and you WILL experience heartache more than once. But I want you to remember that I will always be there to dry your eyes, to shield you, to protect you and to support you through the bad times. I can’t stop you from hurting, I wish that I could – because a parent watching their child hurt is a pain that you will not understand until you have your own children. I will help you to get through that hurt and to build yourself back up each and every time. I promised you that, when you were born, when you lay in my arms, oblivious to the journey you were about to embark on. I whispered to you, that I would always be there, that I would do everything I could to make sure you were happy. I made that promise to you the day you were born and I will keep that promise until my last breath.

Last week you turned 8 and I couldn’t believe where the years had gone. I wonder sometimes how I got so lucky. I read stories online sometimes of parents who have lost their children, either by death or missing or because they were put into care, and it hurts my heart to hear of the things other parents go through. To lose a child would be any parent’s worst nightmare and I can’t imagine how that pain would feel, and I hope I never have to. So even though it may not seem like it sometimes when I’m grumpy or I have told you off for the 5th time that day. I want you to know that I I do count my lucky stars, every day. I’m grateful that you are here, breathing, laughing, living and for all the bad days ahead of us, the good times make it all worth it.

I also want you to know that you should always do you. Don’t ever get caught in a trap of thinking that you should be a certain way, look different, act different, and think different because other people want you too. Being you is what makes me proud of you, the way you laugh, the way you smile, the way you dramatize everything and ask so many questions I feel sometimes I could die from exhaustion. Those things make you beautiful and I want you to grow to be proud of them too. Don’t ever compromise yourself for other people because that won’t make you happy. 

That is the only aim I have for you in life. I don’t care who you want to have a relationship with, what you want to do as a job, who your friends are or where you live. All I wish for you is to be happy.

I would be here all day if I told you all the things that were in my heart but I will leave you with this.

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

xx Mummy xx

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Mental Health: You are never too lost to be saved ; 💜

The word depression doesn’t nearly do it justice. That one word doesn’t even touch the sides. So I’ve been sat here racking my brains for a word that could. Nope, not one single word could fully describe what we call “Depression”.

How about “It’s like having an asthma attack that you can’t escape from, breath is no longer reachable and with each desperate gasp for air you pray that death is imminent rather than endure this suffering”

How about “It’s like a million ants crawling inside your skin, eating away at every single fibre of you, until you are left physically scarred from trying to rid yourself”

How about “It’s like being chased by a crazed killer in a maze that gets smaller and smaller with no way out and the realisation of nothingness and hopelessness hits you so hard that you collapse and surrender”

For those of you that suffer from depression are we getting close? Nope! Didn’t think so. Its Impossible to describe to someone that has never felt this, that indescribable feeling of what I will just refer to for ease, as absolute hell!

It’s not just being a bit sad, it’s not. It’s not just wanting to shut yourself off for a few days. It’s not just crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s either. It’s so much more than those things, its more than what we as a society give thought to and it’s more than we ourselves as individuals care to acknowledge. It can be all those things above yes, but it is also much much more.

For me, it’s nothingness. For me, it’s being awake at 4am because that’s the only time I can breathe easy, when the world is quiet, or being asleep at 13:00pm because that’s the only time I find salvation from my own mind.

For me it’s getting up and going to work, fake smiling and having uneventful and un meaningful conversations just because, but it’s also staying in bed all day because I can’t face the world for another minute.

For me, it’s mania and hyper vigilance for no reason at all. Or sadness and fear for the same reasons, there aren’t any.

But mostly for me, it is the feeling of merely existing and not living. Letting each minute of each hour of each day pass me by wondering what the purpose is and how to get off this gut churning ride.

I’m writing this blog after a long time of silence because I went to a counsellor recently. She sat there and asked me “what makes me happy?” Through misty, red rimmed eyes I looked at her and without taking a breath I answered ” I can’t remember a time I ever was happy, so I don’t know the answer to your question” I’ve done nothing but think about that conversation since the day I left her office trying to think of one single thing that made me truly happy that wasn’t tainted and lasted longer then a snapshot, and still one month on I am none the wiser.

So, I’m writing this because I think it’s fair to share what having depression truly feels like and highlight that more needs to be done by everyone to help stop people from suffering in silence. Mental health crises is increasing by the minute and if we don’t start listening to eachother and making access to early help our mission then the statistics below are only going to erupt.

I have googled the shit out of this subject, so here are some facts for ya

  1. Depression is the predominant mental health problem worldwide.
  2. Reports from both England and Wales suggest that approximately 1 in 8 adults with a mental health problem are currently receiving treatment. Medication is reported as the most common type of treatment for a mental health problem. And the average wait for effective treatment is 10 years!
  • In 2016 64.7 million anti-depressant prescriptions were dispensed!
  • For every person affected by mental illness, just £8 is spent on research – 22 times less than cancer and 14 times less than dementia.
  • Suicide is the number one killer for young people experiencing mental health crisis. In 2016, 5,668 suicides were recorded in Great Britain. Of these, 75% were male and 25% were female.
  • Untreated mental health problems account for 13% of the total global burden of disease. It is projected that, by 2030, mental health problems (particularly depression) will be the leading cause of mortality and morbidity globally.

Got your attention? Shocking isn’t it.

Number two is the nauseating one for me. Still in the year 2018. Only 1 in 8 people are being treated! Medication shoved at them like a packet of sweets, as if that’s the answer. That’s why it takes 10 years for EFFECTIVE treatment, because just medication in isolation is never the answer! When will we learn!

I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been to the doctors and had pills thrust at me and told to go on my way. The amount of times I’ve gone back to say they aren’t working to just be placed on a different brand. And it sticks in my throat to tell you about the time I sat sobbing in my kitchen for my 8 year old to come and say to me “Mum shall I get you one of those pills that can make you happy again” Really?, as if taking a tiny pill is going to magically take away what’s inside my head, it only masks it. Helps me cope from day to day, helps me get up in the morning and merely function. Exist. Not live.

I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking there are magic pills that can take away the sadness, I want my daughter to know that whatever problems she faces, whatever hell her mind brings, she will always have someone to talk to, to be there, to help, to listen. That’s what I needed, someone to listen. Not my family, not my friends, a professional to help me unpick all that is inside of me and help me breathe again. A magic pill will never change that unless I deal with the actual problem and not just the symptoms.

Mental health is a topic that means alot to me because it is something I have watched destroy members of my family. It’s something that has been prevalent throughout my own life personally and with the people I work with. It has had me driving in the night wondering if I should steer my car into a tree and it is something which has completely broken me this year. That being said I have been reading this book my sister recommended by Matt Haig. ~Reasons to stay alive. (Check it out) It’s made me understand that I am not the only person who is suffering from this and that talking about it is the start to getting better.

Matt writes.

“If you have ever believed a depressive wants to be happy, you are wrong. They could not care less about the luxury of happiness. They just want to feel an absence of pain. To escape a mind on fire, where thoughts blaze and smoke like old possessions lost to arson. To be normal. Or, as normal is impossible, to be empty. And the only way I could be empty was to stop living. One minus one is zero. But actually, it wasn’t easy. The weird thing about depression is that, even though you might have more suicidal thoughts, the fear of death remains the same. The only difference is that the pain of life has rapidly increased. So when you hear about someone killing themselves it’s important to know that death wasn’t any less scary for them. It wasn’t a ‘choice’ in the moral sense. To be moralistic about it is to misunderstand.

I stood there for a while. Summoning the courage to die, and then summoning the courage to live. To be. Not to be. Then I realised I had people to love, who loved me. Love was trapping me here. I think life always provides reasons to not die, if we listen hard enough. Those reasons can stem from the past – the people who raised us, maybe, or friends or lovers – or from the future – the possibilities we would be switching off. And so I kept living.”

Powerful huh. Reading this man’s thoughts on depression has already changed the way I view life. To know that he is a survivor, writing his story gives me a small hope that I can get through, one day at a time. He was right, words sometimes can set you free. And so I keep living…

So the point of this post is to say

Please be aware that many people suffer mental illness, particularly depression and we might never know because it is a largely hidden illness. The things you say, the actions you take towards another human being may seem like they won’t cause much affect but they do. Believe me they do. To one person they could change everything for better or for worse.

So be kind, be smart, think and don’t judge. Support mental health and raise awareness. Stop the stigma!

And for anyone that can resonate with the words on this page remember that you are never too lost to be saved;

Much love

Dais x

Co-parenting is not a competition, chose love over dysfunction…

So I’ve been thinking alot lately about being a single mum and what it means to co-parent when separated. I’ve been watching a programme recently where the parents are so angry at eachother that they cannot even attempt a drop off without an argument ensuing. Watching it enrages me so I thought I would write about my own experience. I’ve seen both sides of the coin so I’m going to attempt to give a balanced view here, this blog isn’t to slate father’s or mother’s but give a little insight into both sides and the most important view. The child’s.

I’ve been apart from Ruby’s dad for 8 years now and despite a few fall outs I think we’ve done co-parenting pretty well. Why? How? Well the simple answer to that is because we both love our daughter more than ourselves. And because i guess we need peace more than we need to be right. We chose our battles wisley because going to war could risk us both losing the one thing we love the most. Our daughter.

I’m not going to lie. Co-parenting is tough. It’s draining and it conjures up all kinds of negative feelings; anger, denial, jealousy,spite. It requires you to hold your tongue, practice patience and compromise through gritted teeth more often than you’d like. It’s something you never asked for, after all families are not made with the intention to be broken. None the less it’s out of our control sometimes and that’s the hard part in all of this. Losing control. That’s the thing that turns us into stubborn people who can’t see the woods through the trees and realise what’s important. Our children.

Being separated and co-parenting has you negotiating left right and centre. You find yourself considering things you never thought you’d have to when the baby first came, like; “do we do a joint parents evening or have them separate?” , “Where will the children spend Christmas and birthdays?” “Who will pay for this after school club?”. I’m not going to say that after 8 years, myself and ruby’s dad don’t still argue over the little things because we do. We also get angry at eachother and probably make barbed comments to other people about how the other parents, and this will probably never change because frustration and opinion will always play a role. The thing we never do though is use our child as a weapon. We don’t play god. What’s the point? All it causes is upset and a child in the middle wondering why the two people that made her, now can’t even hold a civil conversation. Children don’t love in isolation, and they shouldn’t be made to pick a parent. Being a child means having fun and enjoying life knowing that you have love and warmth around you from all your people. Becoming an adult is hard work and you don’t realise until you grow up how much you miss the easyness of being a child, so why would you be selfish enough to thrust a child into adult responsibilities and problems because you can’t swallow your pride and co- parent successfully?

I see it alot, especially in my type of work. Parents are unable to separate the child from the former relationship. It happens on both sides and is more damaging then you can imagine. Your child is not what he/she did to you, your child is not at fault because he/she didn’t agree with something you wanted, your child is not to blame because they remind you of him/her and your child is not a pawn that should be used to manipulate and punish the other for your own agenda. How people can use the love for a child like that is shocking to me. Why would you even want to? Isn’t having a child the most precious thing in the world? So why would people want to hurt their child just to hurt the other parent? That’s putting your needs ahead of theirs. That’s selfish. Pure and simple.

However much ruby’s dad angers me and whatever horrible things I’d like to call him sometimes, I would never stop him from seeing his child. I’m the full time resident parent and I consider that a privilege, I don’t take it for granted and nor do I use it to get my own way. Just because her dad lives elsewhere and sees her part-time because of the circumstances we created, doesn’t mean that his love for her diminishes or that he stops wishing he could see his child everyday. He still loves her whole heartedly the same as I do and I would never punish him or her for things beyond anyone’s control.

Co-parenting is all about compromise. It might stick in your throat sometimes to admit defeat on some issues and you might tear your hair out on occasions when the other parent is being selfish, but compromising is key to raising happy and well adjusted children. Myself and Ruby’s dad have gotten it wrong on many occasions, who doesn’t make mistakes right? but parenting is a life long job and we continue to learn and grow. After 8 years we are finally at a point where things are quite easy actually. We have an agreement of days we both have contact and we stick to that each week, and we compromise, because life is dynamic and situations change. We can text or call eachother and say “hey, something’s come up today and Ruby can’t make it. Can we change the day/times?” And if we can we will. Simple. We don’t argue over the small details because what’s important is that Ruby has both parents. Does it matter if she doesn’t see him on his given day. No of course not. What matters is that she sees him regardless of the day/time or place. That she knows that whatever the circumstances she has two parents that love her and can put their own bullshit to the side to make sure she never has to doubt their love for her.

As parents we place high expectations on our children, what we forget is that children also place those expectations onto their parents. Being unreasonable or unwilling to co-parent a child who is from a broken family and who is already vulnerable is not meeting those expectations. Not even close….

One of my worst fears would be to have to explain to Ruby when she’s older why she didn’t have her dad around, and that’s why I have never put myself in the position where I would ever have to do it. I get that situations differ and if there is an unwilling parent or a dangerous one then that is out of our hands but I’m talking about when two people who both love their children can’t even have a civil conversation because they are too selfish to get over themselves leads to a child missing out on love then that’s when we need to re-evaluate what’s important. Do I want my child to grow up thinking that it’s normal to not be able to speak to their father? No. Do I want to continue to make things uncomfortable for them? No. Do I want them agonising over birthdays, christmas, weddings, births etc for the rest of their life because of our mistakes? No. I can’t imagine any parent would want that for their child. Co- parenting should be all about the child and nothing else. It takes communication, resilience and most of all unequivocal love for something other than yourself. When we chose to create a child we chose to put their heart ahead of our own. I’m no saint and I’ve made mistakes but one thing I am certain of is that I have given my daughter every opportunity of having a stable picture of a separated family. I might have to share her and I might have to swallow my pride when I don’t want to but I also know that I will NEVER have to explain to a broken adult why I was to selfish to try…

Co- parenting is hard enough so why add anymore pressure into the situation by being stubborn. It doesn’t matter who said what, who hurt who. What matters is that your child benefits from two parents and a family that loves them. Separation doesn’t make that love for your children stop. Ignorance and pride stand in the way of making a success of something that was once broken.

Let’s do better for our children.

Much love

Dais xx

True friends stay forever, beyond words, beyond distance, beyond time.

I’ve met two soul mates in my life time and both of them have been friends. The definition of a soulmate in the dictionary is; a person with whom one has a deep natural affinity.

Have you ever met someone that you felt completley comfortable with. Someone that you didn’t need to question why or how they came into your life, it was just fate, no rhyme or reason just meant to be?

Like I said, I have experienced this twice in my time but what’s sad is that neither of these people are permenant fixtures in my life right now. They came into my life like lightening and left much the same. I am still friends with both but we are not as close as we once were. I do believe in fate though and know that the experience of those 2 friendships and the feelings they bought me will last a life time long after they have gone.

Losing a friendship is often more devastating than losing a romantic relationship. Friends are the people we chose as family, people we entrust the most intimate parts of our lives with. Soul mates are much the same but they equate to a more intense experience of friendship. In both instances the feelings I felt when they disintegrated are not even describable. When you go through a break up you have the usual emotions; crying, anger, denial etc and then eventually after some time it starts to hurt less and you get up and you move on. With a friendship or a soulmate it really is like the old cliche. Its like losing a limb, a part of you, and though you may cry and feel angry and all those other emotions they just never go away, you never move on. Instead the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness just sits there in your gut until they come back.

I’m lucky that I have some really great friends. Some I’ve known since childhood and others new. My circle is small but I wouldnt change that. I’d rather have a few quality frienships then a dozen snakes. Each one of my friends has something special about them and each one brings something different to my life; whether its a shoulder to cry on, advice, someone I can laugh with or someone to go out and have fun with. These friends are worth their weight in gold to me, they help me navigate my way through life and i honestly don’t know where I’d be without them.

When you find a soul mate though, you find the complete package. You know their heart and they know yours. You form a bond that could never break despite; time, distance or words. There is no explanation for why you fit, you just do. I think thats amazing, that out of the billions of people on this earth you can find someone that completes you.

Having lost the two friends that I consider soul mates, I have this empty feeling inside me, like something is missing in life. These girls came into my life and despite my short comings they picked me up when I was on my knees, supported me through hell and back when I felt there was no way out, enriched my days with laughter and loved me without expectation even on the days when I wasn’t very lovable. Despite the challenges and the arguments which is inevitable in any relationship including a friendship I love them both unconditionally. I will always treasure every moment that they are in my life even though those times are scarce these days and I want them to know that no matter how far away we may be from eachother in distance and heart right now, I will always be here with open arms waiting to pick up that friendship where it was left.

People change and friendships change that is inevitable because life is fast and confusing as hell, but if you find someone you have a connection with beyond rhyme or reason then you should fight for it right? We are always being told in love storys to fight and we always see some big gesture where the guy ends up getting the girl. So why can’t this happen in friendships too?

Im not saying that I’d like big gestures, nor for things to be swept under the carpet with my friends. Im saying that im willing to have those difficult conversations and im willing to compromise, forgive eachother and move forward in the hope that those special connections come back.

I dont really know where I was going with this post except to talk about how much I appreciate friendship even if I don’t always show it. If you find yourself a true friend, never stop trying and never stop loving even through the rough times when it would be so easy to give up and find a replacement, because true friendship and soul mates are rare and could never be replaced.

I miss you both…

Dais xx

True friends stay forever, beyond words, beyond distance, beyond time.

I will always love you xxx

When our eyes meet…

He walked with an edge. He was the kind of guy that walked into a room and people would sit up and take notice. He was the king of charm, and despite my steely resolve i felt myself crumble when our eyes met across the room. 6 years married, this man and I and he could still make me weak at the knees with one look.

Surrounded by a sea of people, I could feel him approach me before I could see him. His breath against my neck as he lowered his lips to kiss me, sent shivers down my spine. His arm snaked around my waist, stirred something inside me. The gentle way he brushed my hair to the side of my face, to anyone else seemed intimate, genuine even. For me when our eyes met I knew this was just scene one…

They say you can tell alot about a person from their eyes and a mans eyes were always my favourite part. Not anymore, not now. When I met Luke his eyes were a blue like I’ve never seen, like water when the sun is shining on it. Six years ago, I looked into those eyes and in that moment I knew I had found my soul.

Here i am six years on and now when our eyes meet, I have found my hell. Behind the blue theres a storm in those eyes, a raging hurricane that I had never seen before. His eyes have there own vocabulary, and i pray everyday that I didn’t know how to read…

So welcome, that was a little excerpt from the book im writing. You have probably guessed from previous blogs that I am no good when it comes to grammar and all things related to the english language. I much prefer to curse my way through life not bothering with commas and getting my kicks by irritating the grammar police. So shoot me. So this is a work in progress really. It’s part of my goal for this year which was to try new things.

So here I am writing a book, something I’ve always wanted to do. I cant promise it’s going to be any good and i will probably spend the rest of my life writing it but the stories there, I have it in mind, the real task is to get it down on paper. I’ve debated writing a book for a long time and I would always think about what genre to write about. This has never got me past the first chapter though so now ive decided to not over think it and just write what comes out. So there it is the beginning of Luke and Mia’s story.

I love reading, I love writing and one of my favourite things in the world is finding a good book. I remember the first book I really took notice of. Torey Hayden – The Tigers Child. Wonderful author of many books by the way – check her out.

Anyway its been so long since I read this book that I cant tell you the ins and outs of the story. I just remember when I read it, it made me feel something. I cant even tell you what that feeling was just that it was something. When i finished it I couldnt wait to read another book, and thats how its been ever since. I read every night and sometimes I will be awake until 3/4am reading. I can’t contemplate a life without books, it doesnt make sense to me. Reading about a thousand different lives whilst living your own is cathartic. I often lose myself in a book but on many occassions I’ve found myself too. Thats the thing about reading a good book, the sentiment of it stays with you long after you’ve finished the last page.

I read almost anything and usually it depends on my mood. If I want a little light relief I’ll read a chick lit, if I’m moody and a little angry I’ll want something a bit gritty like a crime thriller. Mostly I read things that speak to me and I can usually tell by the first chapter if I will enjoy it. So for my own book I want to create a story thats real, that has raw intensity with characters that people will remember after the book is closed because thats what I’d want from a book. Something that sets my heart on fire.

So if you are a book fan like me, tell me what you love about reading, tell me your favourite book/character/chapter and give me an insight into what other people want when they read.

There is one type of reading I hate and that is the text books staring at me on my desk. I guess I should break a spine or two today and get on with some work. So until next time.

The only important thing in a book is the meaning that it has to you…

Much love

Dais x

When your childs heart breaks, yours breaks too….

Tonight, I held my daughter in my arms while she sobbed and through racked breaths asked me if I ever loved herdad. She told me how sad she was that we are not together as a family. I cradled her and wiped her tears away as she surrendered into me and told me how unfair it all was. I rocked her rattling body whilst she told me how unlucky she must be that all her friends
have mums and dads together and she doesn’t.

In that moment, desperate to take her pain away I felt broken. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and failure was runningthrough my veins. The reality is that; no matter what words I chose to soothe her with, how many explanations I gave her, how tight I held her, I could never make this better for her, never offer her the solution she so desperately wants.And so, at 11:00pm on Sunday evening I sit here with a heavy heart wondering how I could have got this so wrong.How can my 8-year-old baby girl perceive her life so deficient? And I’m scrambling around desperately for an answer that doesn’t amount to… this is all my fault.

“If only I had tried harder”, “if only I had stuck it out”, “if only I had put her happiness before my own” thenmaybe I wouldn’t have my 8-year-old, lying broken in my arms wondering if she is the reason that her family isn’t together. If Only….

I’ve always been really honest with my girl, it’s been me and her since she was one. I’ve always had my arms openwide ready and waiting to talk to her about anything. I never really realized how heavy this was weighing on her mind though. She’d ask me questions about me and her dad from time to time, and she’d ask if we would ever get back together. I’d always answer
her, but I can’t deny now that maybe I was flippant with my responses. She told me tonight that I would never understand because I’ve always had my mum and dad together and she was right. I could never fully understand that pain because I’ve never had to face
it myself. I guess I have been superficial with the truth because I find it hard to talk about, and there again I am thinking about me and not her needs. I’ve never wanted her to dwell on the fact that she comes from a broken home because I don’t want it to
define her. I don’t want her to be stereo typed into a box that’s labels her “troubled” because she grew up with parents apart. Tonight, has made me realise though that I can’t keep ignoring it and however difficult those conversations might be for me I have
to have them. For her.

Ruby was just over 1 when me and her dad broke up, so she can’t remember a time when we were even together. I’vealways thought that was easier for her because she can’t miss what she has never had. Tonight, I don’t know if that is true. Is it easier for me to think that and just ignore the fact that she has never experienced a family as a whole? It’s not something I’ve
ever asked her about in depth, but I will. I will.

So, what do I do now? I’ve always found being a mum hard but never more so than now. There’s always an answer,a solution to any problem she has, whether it takes me an hour or a week I always find it. I don’t have an answer to this though because I can’t give her what she wants, she told me so tonight when she lay in my arms. I asked what I could do to make things
better for her and she replied “Nothing, because I can never have what I want”. It’s hard to explain to a child that what they want is not always the best thing, in her world I didn’t try hard enough. That is a bitter pill to swallow when I know that I did
try so so hard.

I never wanted to be one of those parents that slates the other, and I’ve always tried really hard to make sureRuby’s relationship with her dad was maintained and her love for him is testament to that. She can see him as much as she wants but however much I sugarcoat things to her, unless he is living with us as a family it is not enough. However, many positives I
point out it does not outweigh the fact that her dad is not in the family home. How do you help a child to see that somethings are for the best; how do you explain adult problems because seen through a child’s eyes it is never enough of an explanation?
I made Ruby a book last week when this started to come to the surface. It’s a book of her life filled with picturesof when she was born, milestones and pictures of me and her dad when we met and were happy. I can’t tell you how contented she was with this book. She took it to school the next day to show her friends pictures of me and her dad, something she had never had
before in her 8 years of life. It warmed my heart to know that she was comforted by this. Now I’m left wondering if this was the right move, or have I just exacerbated her pain? I’ve never really been at a loss before when it comes to motherhood because however
hard things get I’ve always pulled through. Tonight, though I am lost.

So, reader I’m putting it out there to you. Having never been in this situation myself I come from the perspective of the parent who left a toxic relationship thinking it was the best thing to do for her and me. As my daughter rightly says though I’m not equipped to contemplate how she is feeling. So, if you are reading this and you have come from a broken family pleaseleave me some advice on what I can do to repair the damage already caused. How might my 8-year-old be feeling and what can I do to ease that burden?Lots of love.A mum who is full of doubts….

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone…

So I’ve been crazy busy lately trying to be superhuman; a mum, a housekeeper, a worker and a student amongst the other anxieties of life and I’ve gotta say that the last few months have almost broken me. Almost…

I still have a little fight left in me though and so that keeps me ticking on. I’ve been on my final placement for almost 6 months now and I’ve loved every minute of it. I’m on the home stretch and just have a few short weeks to go and then the fun starts with numerous assignments that are the equivalent to a dissertation. Anyone who’s done this will know how soul destroying the thought of it is. If i am not broken now i can guarantee i will be by the end of April.

I’m pessimistic most of the time and i’m not one who’s lucky, but the one thing i have in spades is determination and focus for my dreams. So i may not come out of this degree emotionally and physically unscathed but i WILL pass it and i WILL reach my goals no matter how hard or how long it takes me.

As the finish line gets closer its got me thinking about the future and where i want to be and i can categorically say anywhere but here. So I’ve been thinking about my options and what it is i really want out of life. I want the nice house, a house that i own, that I’ve worked for and can leave to Ruby when i am gone. I want the great job with great pay, one that excites me and that makes me realise everyday i wake up why and who I’m doing it for. I want the nice community with the nice neighbours and the new friends, maybe in time a new man. I want the safe and comfortable life for Ruby that I’ve always wished for. For her to live life and know that i did everything to make sure she had a great start that leads to an even better future. I think we all want those things deep down, to know that we made a mark, that we lived to our full potential instead of merley existing.

The thing I’ve realised though, is that i can’t do that here. Life has become so stagnant, i have become static and life is passing me by. So I’ve been making plans to build my life somewhere else. For now it’s just been a process of thoughts but the reality will soon be true. I’ve been looking at jobs and homes away from here. I’ve kinda settled on Yorkshire. I remember having a holiday there as a kid and its just always stuck with me. Its the kind of place i can see myself living and being happy.

Ofcourse my mum is hysetrical about this and being a mum myself i get it. Its time now though to do something for me. For me and Ruby, to stand on my own two feet and make something thats ours, that i am proud of. I need to go on this adventure to find out where i really belong. They say home is where the heart is, and thats true, its not a place though or a thing, my family is where mine is and they will be there wherever i choose to go, and i hope they understand that one day.

It’s exciting to think that life could be so different next year but i wont lie its also scarey as hell. I never tend to go outside of my comfort zone but if i don’t do this now i will always wonder and a life of just wondering rather than doing would be a waste.

Someone once said that “success comes from having dreams bigger than your fears” and i’m just about ready to prove that point.

Much love

Dais xx

Cheers to the new year, and another 365 days to fuck it all up…

Some people slide into new year all shiney and new hoping that a date on a calender is going to miraculously create a better them.

Me…

I crashed into new year like something from a disaster movie safe in the knowledge that this year will be the same as last and i will still hold the title of miserable bitch! 365 days to fuck things up. Hell i managed that on day 1!

See i left 2017 with a broken heart, lost friendships, debt, a mouthy 8 yr old and the constant need to gauge my eyes out because of the stress of uni. I’ve entered 2018 in exactly the same way. On paper its looking like a swell year ahead 👌

I’ve started writing a diary this year because writing a blog about my sad life just wasnt enough for me. Just call me Briget Jones… Its day 10 and so far it reads.

“Thought about ending up as a lonley old cat lady whilst finishing off the christmas chocolate” Its a real page turner!

Its now day 16 and nothing miraculous has happened or changed so the lonley old cat lady scenario does not seem such a far reach.

Im not one for new year resolutions because i normally chose something unobtainable like “this year i will be nothing but positive” and i usually dont make it past the first hour. Im going to attempt to try something new this year though. A friend of mine has made a list and im going to follow suit. So im making a list of 12 things i’ve never done before or things I’ve been afraid to do or want to do and im going to attempt to do one thing each month. No pressure…

This month i’m easing myself in gently. Im going to learn makaton. Whether you can learn that in two weeks with the aid of you tube i’ve no idea but im giving it a bash.

Im off to a pretty good start. I skipped over the crap and started off with chapter 4 where the real fun starts- insults. So far im a pro at saying fuck you silently! See below.

Next month. I’m thinking about holding a snake, and not the good kind!

Enjoy the rest of january people. Im one person who hasnt participated in dry January or a new gym membership. For those of you that have I’ll see you next week down the pub and promise not to talk about the fact that you’ve failed, I’ll sign it instead it will hurt less…

Dais x

Welcome…

Monday 22nd of June 1987 a legend was born…

So.. first blog post, pretty daunting! I’ve spent half an hour thinking of a catchy title -googling all sorts and the above is what I came up with. Pretty lame but I think it’s an accurate description. I’ve now got to attempt to write the thing. I think the title creating is a work in progress but if by a small chance you are still here reading, buckle up! I’m not a writer nor incredibly funny but my musings on my life I hope will be so bad you’ll leave feeling somewhat better about your own life. (Silver linings)

So if you have got this far I’m doin ok. If you have read my Bio you will know my , name is Daisy! Cue the song “Give me your answer fucking do”, cue “Aww that is such a lovley name”, cue “Ahh that takes me back, my great great great nan was called Daisy” – thanks for that info mabel, but how the hell does that help me when i can’t find my name on a personalised souvenir, or when i am in a bar and a guy asks my name and I’ve got to hear for the 10000th time. “If you were a flower love I’d definatley pick you”. No it doesnt fucking help at all, so next time say nothing ok, just act like you never even heard it. I curse my parents for this name, it’s been the bain of my life but its a step up from Fredrica which was another popular choice of theirs. (Small mercys)! In my childhood i once spent a whole summer convincing people my name was actually claire. CLAIRE, of all the names in all the world i could pick i chose Claire (the mind boggles). Another summer it was DEE i even pulled a guy using that name (desperate times). However despite the name ( I’m somewhat at peace with it now), a legend was born.

I’m 30. Most people have a breakdown about hitting the big 3  0. Not me, I’ll offically be what i class as an adult. To be fair i don’t have a job or my own house or a husband, i don’t really have any qualities that make me seem adulty (is that even a word) but just being 30 gives me and others the impression that i am a grown up. If i hit 40 and still have none of those things then i might have the breakdown…  but 30 – life is just beginning!

I’m a single mum, i have a 8 year old daughter Ruby, you’ll hear a lot about her, how she hates me daily and how i’ve ruined her life (usually for not letting her watch another episode of Sam and bloody Cat) and how i just keep going back for more because despite her driving me up the bloody wall, i love her so much i could eat her. Who else feels like that by the way? It’s actually a thing you know, when you think somethings cute or you love it so much that you squeeze it within an inch of its life and you could just eat it.  It’s called cute aggression or something, look it up your not alone in the weirdo stakes – its a growing concern.

So I’ve wanted to do a blog for a while now, u know just for my own sanity, to trash talk my way through my life; but to be honest, I’m quite lazy so I just haven’t got around to it. Conveniently i had time tonight on this saturday evening, when realistically i should be doing my assignment but i am putting it off in favour of the blog as i deem this much more important then my degree. (Is it ok to admit that? Too late!) I would literally do anything to get out of an assignment. ANYTHING! (I forgot to mention I’m a second year mature student studying social work, we’ll say no more..) and so the blog is born.

Its called forever a dreamer because well thats what i am. Since forever I’ve dreamed outside of my life, merged reality with what i actually want/dream about. You’ll get to realise that I’m a pretty pessimistic person, so its better for me to live in my own bubble where i can control everything – my dream world. Thats kinda why im writing the blog, so i can contain it and also because being me is fucking exhausting and i need to relieve some stress. I’m also extremely emotional, i feel everything; from sobbing hysterically at a tv advert, to writing out my funeral plans because i read somewhere once that  someone my age had died from sneezing. (True story – brain hemmoridge). I’ve genuinely never sneezed since without that thought flashing through my brain! Like i said. It’s exhausting!

I’m going to leave it at that for now, i think you know me on a better level now and I’ll leave the rest for the next post. If your not running for the hills or planning some kind of intervention for me then see ya next time you survived my first ramblings.

Dais x

Google has pronounced me dead…

So anyone that knows me,knows i’m a hypercondriac! I’m worse then Dot Cotton! Slight headache = brain tumour, pain in my leg =amputation, cough more then once = lung cancer. These are genuine thoughts that go through my mind whenever i experience some kind of ill health and theres not a day that passes when i don’t feel well.

Everyone knows google is life (i literally wouldn’t get by without it), so naturally i use it when i want to check my symptoms. I’m not like a normal person who just visits the doctor when they feel ill. I do both! I google my symptoms extensivley, i do my research, i sit up half the night, as google has usually pronounced me dead and then i trundle off to the doctors and tell her my diagnosis. Only to sit infront of the doctor and be told theres nothing wrong with me its just a virus. – JUST A VIRUS – i have listed 5 out of the 6 symtoms that web md has associated with meningitis, you’ve trained for 10 years, haven’t done a single medical check on me and you feel in your professional opinion it’s JUST A VIRUS! and theres no medication you can give me. What a fucking liberty! Granted it is usually just a virus and im fine within a few days, but to just dismiss googles diagnosis like that is shocking when everyone knows google knows everything. EVERYTHING!

There is always something wrong with me. Most days i complain about some kind of ailment to the point my family make sarci comments like “there’s always something wrong with you, your always ill!” Bastards!

Yes there is always something wrong with me, i ache all over like some osteoporosis riddled grandma, i have the lung fuction of a 20 a day smoker, and i can barley get off the sofa without rolling off it and making groaning noises due to me being so fat. So yes family there IS always something wrong with me. But despite my irrational fear of death and my increasing ailments at the ripe old age of 29 i still don’t do anything to help myself and instead rely on google to make sure i’m not going to die. I feel ill, i google it, i worry, i go to the doctors (there sick of me) and the cycle repeats.

I used to read trashy magazines, you know the ones – light hearted reading, a guilty pleasure, the magazines like real people, chat and pick me up that you wouldn’t be seen dead with outside the confines of your home. I swear these magazines were where it all started. (Actually my hypercondria has always been there) but this was where it started to get out of control. There was always a story about someone who had something wrong with them – and they died, or their life had changed forever, really harrowing stuff. This was where i read the sneezing debacle. I remember one story about a guy who had stubbed his toe, a normal everyday thing you think. Most people do it more then once in their life time and their fine, no problems. NO not this guy, he stubbed his toe, got gangerine and his leg was amputated! These kinda storys stay with me because being the pessimistic bitch i am, this is the kinda unfortunate shit that would happen to me and it terrifies me! I have had to ban myself from reading these now because it was getting to the point where i would panic even doin the most menial task – constantly wondering if today is the day something bads going to happen an i WILL die. I still think like this daily, i just use google now instead of the magazines for proof that these things happen its much quicker.

So i just wanted to share a bit about something i think were all guilty of doing, its just i’m more irrational with it. On that note I’ve got heartburn so im off to check google – im taking bets on a stomach ulcer. If you see another post tomorrow it means google fucked up again and im still alive. Hurray!

Dais x

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